Oh no, another article To The Blah Blah Blah. Cliche but it has to be done for the guys that don't understand why some girls are so hard to get close to, and to the girls, that are mentally and emotionally exhausted fighting with themselves just to let someone potentially love them.
So, to the guy that I am putting through the wringer,
I'm sorry that I'm not able to make falling for me any easier. I know very well that I piss you off and annoy you when I ask "stupid" questions. Please know that those questions aren't stupid to me. I feel like I am wasting your time or that I'm not worth your attention because of how I've been treated before. My mind is set that you deserve so much and I am terrified that I can't give you what you deserve. I have a mindset that you will dump me on the side because you've found someone better because that seemed to be the main ending of past stories. I also know very well that I shouldn't compare you to anyone from my past. I know that it hurts you and irritates you. I'm sorry. I will apologize to you a million times and they will never be false. I sincerely regret and feel bad every time I say the wrong thing because I get so anxious that I will say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but I also want you to always know how I feel or when I'm worried that you stopped liking me. I'm sorry that some of my worries are irrational and have no correlation to our relationship. When you get upset I want to knock my head on the wall and curl into a ball next to you and apologize for being so dumb and thinking such things. And know that I ask such things because I'm afraid that you will feel the same way as others have. You have to be patient and understand that I am broken and still working on not comparing everyone that has hurt me to those that want to help me. I promise, oh God do I promise, I will give you my all and make the hell worth it. You will always know how happy you make me and when I miss you. I will always ask you how your day was and be eager to listen to you talk about anything at any time. I will get nervous waiting to see you, even though we've spent time together before. And you will always see me smiling like a goon when I'm with you.
To the girls that unfortunately make everything a bit harder, like me,
I understand that everyone has insecurities. Some of us just hold on to them and let them eat at us for some reason. We let past experiences, words, and actions dictate how we perceive the light we are viewed in. We take a perfectly bright, warm light and turn it into a delicate flickering candle that can easily be blown out by anything. Some days the flame is bright, and others it's the dull red wick. There is something we need to realize. Not everyone is the same. Not all girls hate you and criticize you for the things you hate about yourself. Just because some guy used you and tossed you away like nothing doesn't mean that all guys will. There are plenty of people that will see how bright your light really is as well as how big your heart is. Not everyone will understand how afraid and hard on yourself you are, and that's ok. Not everyone is meant to love you either. It will definitely take time to find the amazing people that have the patience to be around you as you exhaust yourself mentally and emotionally, but don't give up. Remind yourself that you CAN be loved and you will be, by someone that eventually makes you forget about the past you hold onto, though you can't figure out why. You will eventually not have to apologize for making relationships so difficult and you will be happy. I'm not saying that your insecurities will go away, like I said, everyone has insecurities, but someday they won't control you and make you or anyone else tired. So say sorry, let them know that you are cautious with your heart, and it may take awhile. If they stick around, understand that they already care and remind yourself of that. As Lee Brice sings, "I'm hard to love, hard to love, I don't make it easy."
XOXO, Queen of pushing everyone away.
