I have never been your average popular girl. I do not curl my hair every day and it most certainly is not straight every day. I spend time to flat iron it but it doesn't last the duration of a day. My hair is not perfect. When I decide to wear makeup, I only wear eye makeup. I believe that our beauty is shown through our eyes and that is where the makeup should go. So, I do not wear makeup on my face, on my lips, on my cheeks, or even on my eyebrows. There's also the issue of my body type and my clothes. I am fatter than most people I meet, no, I am not obese or just plain fat, but I am chubby. I have a bigger belly, I have thicker thighs, I have jiggly arms, and you cannot see my collarbone when my shoulders are exposed. I have a weird body shape that I absolutely despise. The clothes I wear to make myself feel good is not always the best. I wear clothes that suit my own style, they make me feel powerful, smart, skinny, or even sexy.
I do these things to make myself try to fit in but my body and my mind do not allow it. I do not know how to converse with people, I do not know how to hold back my blunt honesty, and I am told that I am naturally smart. I know how to read body language and I know how to fake behavior but I've been told to be myself more. I've been working ever since I was in second grade to be more outgoing and I thought maybe joining a sorority would help with this sense of belonging I would need. So, I went on recruitment and put on my test.
I followed their rules. I wore the nice clothes, I did my hair and makeup, I even contemplated coloring my lips or cheeks. I went to all of the informal events and all of the meetings. I even had a few dinners with one house and one with another. I thought I was marketing right and I thought I had found a few that liked me. I was not invited back to sorority recruitment because I didn't follow all of the rules. When asked if I was excited, I responded with "No. I don't know if I want to fully do this yet". I used brutal honesty instead of being bubbly. I watched their body language and learned more about how they acted rather than trying to fake my behavior. So, I'm out of the race because of this and because I underestimated the amount of networking required.
They did not like me, I can understand, but when someone else I knew also didn't get in, then I understood even better. It wasn't just because I didn't fake my behavior, it was because I was too real and too focused for them.
They all have the same body type, tall, skinny, pretty complexion, overly bubbly and outgoing. Yet, among them, I see some people who are different and I wonder how did they get in but not me and not the person I know.
It's fine though, I know I am less than average. I know that I will never be a goddess because I will always find something wrong. However, when I sign up for something because I am told that EVERYONE gets a bid and NO ONE gets rejected, I feel like I have a chance. I felt like I had a chance. I felt like I had the opportunity to find a place where I could have best friends for life, a place where I could lean on people and actually belong. That's okay though, I'll go through college on my own and hopefully find others that are like the person I know. She understands me, she is a variation of me, and we'll stick together.
Maybe I should have opened up to them more, but then again, they didn't pass my test. My test of friendship designed to keep my life safe and to keep my heart from bursting.
My heart will not burst because of this experience, it will grow. I will not return to such aspect of recruitment again. This moment has been marked into my repertoire of experiences and I will come out the better.
You have successfully boosted my dreams on fitting in and you also have chopped them farther down. You have successfully brought me and this someone closer together and also have disguised new friendships for me.
Goodbye sorority life. Thank you for the experience.
