We all have those days when life. Just. Hits. You. And you feel like you have no control over the things that dictate your life.

Today has been one of those days. To paint the picture, I am currently typing on a dying laptop that has coffee corroding its insides. RIP. Donald Trump also recently announced to pull out of the Paris climate deal - a decision that is supposed to reflect the interests of myself and 321 million other Americans (yet which could not be more from the opposite). And to top it off, I always seem to forget to give straws to customers at my new waitressing job… and then as they call after me, “Ma’am? Ma’am!?” I get so very uncomfortable because if there is one thing I am not, it is that I am not a… ma’am.

My privileged rants aside, Donald Trump’s decisions as president and portrayal of the United States have not ceased to plague me over the past five months. Not only do I feel an immense disappointment in the blatant ignorance of real world burdens in (and caused by) this country, but also a sad acceptance that I too am probably a player in this national ignorance.

I continue to feel a level of guilt for not doing more to lessen such burdens that are so unevenly distributed. It is a guilt that I am currently laying in my fluffy white bed feeling cranky about America’s newest president, but that I will most likely be able to continue my happy-go-lucky life with comprehensive insurance, a fancy education, and a quiet assurance that I do, indeed, belong. It is a guilt that my most pressing issues are currently that my waitressing job is harder than I thought it would be and I spilled coffee on my fancy laptop. And yet I still complain.

So what am I doing and what can I do?

I can join spaces, have conversations, and devote my energy to areas and people that need it more than I do. These are some things I have begun doing, but which I can do much more of. I can also check myself - my privilege, and my selfishness that certainly underline so many of my actions. I can stop my constant stream of words, pause my narrative, and just listen.

Perhaps that is something I will do right about now.

…

I had planned on writing this piece on my efforts to feel like I had a better grasp on my world and my impact within it, but just felt my words were trying to convince myself (and whoever may be reading this) that I have some moral nobility. Instead, I decided to stop the writing, try not to be so egocentric, accept that I need more help, experience and time, and still post this in order to open some doors to the possibility of listening more, in case anyone would like their own words to be heard.