"Sissy, there's been an accident. Conner was shot in the face but we don't know anything else. I'll call you when we do. "
My heart was breaking and I hadn't even faced the worst of it.
March 19th, 2016
My daddy hung up and I fell to the floor in complete disbelief. It was supposed to be a normal Saturday work shift. I had just received a text from my brother saying he'd be in soon and that he loved me but due to customers waiting out the door to be served, I never responded. My whole body shook as I began to see life without my best friend. He wouldn't walk with me as we graduated from OUR college, he wouldn't see me get married and my children would never know their uncle Conner. We had just celebrated his 21st birthday a few days before and all I could think was:
Is this really happening?
My mind was in self-destruct mode. I wanted to sob. I wanted to be alone, silent. All I could think to say out loud was, "God, I know I need to trust you but I don't understand this. Please don't be ready to take my best friend."
Once I made it to the hospital I could see my dad waving me to a private waiting room. As I walked toward it, I knew I was heading to face the most painful unknown. I saw my momma holding Conner's wallet, tears streaming down her face, and my daddy walking to console her.
How do you stand there, looking at your parents knowing that your best friend, their baby boy, is fighting for his life and you don’t know if he will survive?
A flood of guilt washed over me as I wondered, Why him? Why now? Why God?
I couldn’t look at my momma because I saw such pain for her baby boy and I wished I could trade places with him. I couldn’t look at my dad because I saw Conner and I felt my world shattering over and over again. All the while my parents were saying "he's God's boy and we trust His plan." I kept telling myself it shouldn't have been like this. I’ve never felt so afraid, angry, numb and confused -- but there I sat, feeling it all.
Over the course of 24 hours, we kept receiving the best-case-scenario updates from doctors. We learned that Conner surviving a gunshot to the face was an absolute miracle because even his trauma team said they couldn't explain why but the bullet took the least destructive path possible.
As I stood there listening, I honestly could not wrap my head around their words. Later, they told us the bullet fractured his C1 & C2 vertebrae which meant he was not paralyzed . After they were out of surgery to wire his jaw shut they told us they wouldn't be taking the bullet out of his neck. Medical professionals with years of experience can't remove it?
Excuse me?
They also couldn't do anything about the nerve damage, and at the time of seeing him unable to move any part of his body, I remember saying "what can they do?" My cynicism was about to knock me right down and humble me. No, they couldn't perform a surgery to just make this all go away, but God equipped those doctors with years of training to save my brother's life and I will be forever thankful for that.
Three months later, the bullet pushed itself out on its own and it wasn't until then that I realized God had brought Conner that far and he wasn't going to stop. Even when I talk about it to this day I am in complete awe that what doctors couldn't explain, God could.
9 months later
It's been messy. It’s been exhausting. It’s been frustrating.
At times, it feels impossible to "trust the Lord" but it starts with your own mind and speaking life even when it feels like death is knocking. I pray you never have to experience it. But if you do, or have before, know that God equips you to get through it. We aren't promised a pain-free life but he promises to sustain us through the mountains and valleys. He promises to have enough grace every single morning I wake up with doubt and fear. He promises to comfort me when I feel so alone.
I understood that I needed to trust God in complete confidence, or else I’d break. He's pursuing each one of his children faithfully, patiently and passionately. Challenging us. Trusting us with a decision - Would we be angry with Him or would we surrender and abide in Him? It's hard to know how we'd handle this if the outcome was different, but for me, Conner's story is a 21st-century miracle and that's the only explanation I've come up with.
His accident and recovery were the Christmas miracles we never knew we needed.
My parents made a comment about not getting gifts for Christmas but just being together and all I could think about is how different this Christmas could have looked -- which inspired me to write this.
I realized that my "grown-up Christmas list" is in the everyday aspects of my life.
My family's health, my brother's miraculous survival, re-entry back into school after withdrawing, successfully making it through a very tough semester emotionally and academically, and getting through the tough days together. Fortunately, I get to do it alongside Conner.
He inspires me because despite going through hell and back, he handles things with grace, patience and love. He has fought the hardest days of his life all the while making others laugh and never losing his kindness. It came with trials that many people don't see him face to this day but that is just Conner --such hidden strength to overcome.
I'm thankful that hindsight lets me look back at the most traumatic situation I've experienced and put life into perspective as we are in a season that has a completely new meaning to me. Hug your loved ones tight and tell them that you love them.
To my brother, best friend and real life superhero; thank you for fighting hard every day and never letting the hard days get the best of you. Being four months younger than you has been the best part of growing up because without you I'd be a completely different person. I'm always going to need you bub... plus, we've got a lifetime of movies to quote.
July 20, 2016; Celebrating my 21st birthday in NYC.
