I have always had this fear of being alone. In retrospect, it really messed with my head. Watching movie after movie and show after show where everyone had their best friend, I struggled to understand why I never felt like I had that connection with someone. I spent a lot of my time trying to be someone I really wasn’t just to fit in, in some crazy hope that I could find a person that would be that best friend I had seen on TV.

There was this overwhelming fear that I could be easily replaced, and it happened a few times. I felt isolated in certain groups and when I tried harder to fit in, I felt like I was just pushing myself away further. There was hardly a day that went by that I didn’t feel like the odd man out, like the third wheel that was just dragging along and slowing things down. In all honesty, my fears probably did make me the third wheel more often than not. I got into my own head a lot - I still do - and it prevented me from seeing what was going on in front of me because I was too worried about what could go wrong.

I compared myself to others a lot. No matter how many times I talked to my mom and she gave me the “there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re perfectly normal” pep talk, I couldn’t shake the feeling. (She was right, but you couldn’t tell a teenager full of angst that mom was actually right, could you?) I spent most of high school beating myself up. I was never the pretty friend. I was never the smart friend. I was never the fun friend. I was never the cool friend. I watched as people that I thought were my friends went out while I sat at home being envious that I wasn’t out doing something that seemed so awesome. A lot of the time, I sat there and wondered “why not me?” instead of focusing on the good things that were happening.

Part of me dreaded going to college. I was staying home. I was commuting. I was terrified that it was going to be four more years of the same thing. I was going to be an outsider, I wasn’t going to fit in. There was this preconceived notion that because I wasn’t going away, I wasn’t going to make new friends. Part of me really wishes I could go back and shake 18 year old me for being so stupid and getting myself worked up over nothing.

People come into your life in the most unexpected ways. It was in the philosophy class I was terrified to attend freshman year. It was on Tumblr talking about my love of writing and favorite bands. It was training someone on their first day at work. It was trying not to let my nerves get the best of me that day in the shoe department at work. These people came into my life when I needed them most, even though I didn’t know it at the time, and they've been there since. The memories we've made are worth more to me than anything in the world. As I think about it more, I needed the time I spent waiting and hoping for things to get better to truly appreciate what was out there waiting.

Lately, I feel like I’ve been able to be myself. I’ve been more open. I’ve talked more about things I’m passionate about. There is a visible difference in my confidence today compared to what it was four years ago. As time has passed and these new relationships have grown, I’ve really grown into my own and figured out who I am, not who I’ve been trying to be.

I wish there was a way to say thank you in more than just words, but if nothing else, that’s what I want to say. Thank you. Thank you for breaking me out of my shell, for being true friends, for encouraging me to follow my dreams, for inspiring me to be creative, for being there when I need you, and for letting me be there when you need me too. It has taken a long time to be this comfortable and vulnerable around others, and I know there is still a long way to go.

I read a quote once that was something along the lines of "Friendship isn't about who's been there the longest, it's about who came and never left your side." If nothing else, I know this journey will continue to be positive with you in my life. I wish 16-year-old me knew how awesome the friends I have today would be, but then again, that fear and worrying helped lead me down the path that helped me find each and every one of you. I guess State Champs’ really did say it best in Losing Myself:

“We attract what we’re ready for, it’s something I can’t ignore.”