I love you. Or, I loved you.

I have endless feelings in my heart right now, but no words to go with them. My fingers lay on this keyboard and press random keys in hopes that what I type makes sense and has meaning. But I cannot write something of meaning if I feel that what we were has no meaning today, yet it held all of the meaning months ago.

I knew your laugh, smile, cry, anger and heart. I thought I did. Times change and experiences in that time can change people for the better and worse. It is not my place to determine if it was a good or bad change—but I pray that it is good because you were someone that I once knew.

Someone that I once loved.

But I am a firm believer that love does not actually fail, it just loses promise. I will always love you, just not in the same way. You knew who I was, but you don't know who I am.

And this scares me...

I watch your life change and grow and struggle and bring new experiences, but I watch from a distance. I ask how you are, but I am careful to ask those whom will not tell you for the fear that who you are now cannot look at me the way you once did.

My heart grows heavy thinking about the fact that we will never be who we once were. But I cannot decide if I am proud of this or if I wish we could back in time. But even if I wished this, it could not come true. If I could take a minute for us be friends, or civil or love each other once again I would. Life changes us, though. Our thoughts and emotions run deeper than before, and this holds us at a distance.

I pray that one day in the future we cross paths and recognize someone we once knew. Someone we once loved and cherished. I pray that there is no more tension and that we can talk to each other, smile, say hello and return to growing as individuals.

I do know, though, the moment we speak again, make eye contact or cross paths, we will completely change again. A word we speak will only allow us to know each other for a brief moment before you once again become someone I knew.

You are someone I know that became someone I knew.

And I don't have the words to describe that.