For the past few months, I’ve been fine, I’ve been happy, I’ve been me. I’ve come to accept the way things are and I’ve come to terms with how things are going to be.
I realized I shouldn’t set expectations, and things are going to happen as they please. I tell myself that I don’t love you, and I understand the mistakes I have made, and I have (and still am) putting in my best efforts to change. Every hurtful moment I have caused you replays in my brain. I know there is nothing I can do to change things and It’s a position I put myself in. I don’t blame you for a single thing. Never have and I never will.
I know there is some hope for me. Somehow, somewhere. In this, I’m becoming a better person. You’re one person I never wanted to lose and wish I realized how bad it would have hurt to lose you before that nightmare became true. But for now, I’m done begging, I’m done crying, and I’m done putting my life on hold for you. But I’m just not done loving you. And I know, that’s so pathetic to say but it’s true, I’m just not done loving you.
But I know that you are done loving me. That one day you will have someone new to love, and maybe one day so will I. But I do know that our paths crossed for a reason, and right now, I’m still unsure why.
We “click” as you have put it. We speak the same language. There’s just something about “us” that “goes.” I desire you in every way possible. Your fashion, your hair, your charm. Your passion and thinking drive me to set higher goals and make me feel like anything is achievable. You’re the best motivational speaker. You’re the only person who's advice I value wholeheartedly, I seek the comfort in your eyes, you know exactly what I need when I need it most (a hug). You crave my smile, and know exactly when there’s something wrong no matter how many times I tell you “I’m fine.” You’re the best to goof around with, the best to adventure with and the best to cry with.
But for now, I know that I’m your best friend, and yes, you are mine. I know you are Ross and I am Rachel, and that all things just take a little time.
We have made mistakes together, and we have made wonderful memories together. But I know that our time is up, and there’s no going back from here. I never want to know a life that doesn’t have you in it, because honestly, I am thankful for you.
I know whatever girl gets you next will be the luckiest, and I’ll be honored to meet her. I’m not saying I won’t be jealous, because… I will. And I’ll want to be her best friend, and I’ll want to make sure she never makes the mistakes that I have made, because maybe if I didn’t, I would be that girl.
But I always want you to be happy, and at times it will be hard, and at times I will cry, but I’m in it and I can’t get out (Yeezus).
Although I still may not know the reason why we are still apart of each other’s lives, and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to not be jealous, and not be afraid but I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I don’t expect you to either. I look to you on my hardest days even though I know I shouldn’t, but maybe I should.
Because things do happen for a reason, and sometimes those reasons suck. In this case, yeah, they suck,
I’m always here to guide you through the hard things in life. The tough situations you just can’t wrap your head around, or if you just need a little motivation or a little distraction. I understand that it isn’t romantic anymore and that the fire has died. That even though the desire is still there, it’s not what we are meant to be doing.
I’m terrified of change. Always have been, always will be. But I know this change is healthy, and I know this change will be good because you’re still here for a reason.
Although I still may not know that reason, I do know one thing right now for sure. Is that I’m still not done loving you, but for right now that’s okay.