We were laughing. “What a jerk off.” I giggled.
“Say it again and I’ll punch you.” He smiled. I laughed.
“What a jerk off.” I repeated.
His face became angry. His eyes glazed over, and he pulled his fist back, he threw a punch that landed on my bicep. It hurt, but I was more shocked than in pain when I started crying. He was cussing, but my mind had shut off. He got into his truck and left me there.
If we went back in time, long before this, there was every warning sign for abuse one could imagine, followed by mental abuse. Often, we get so involved with someone, so involved in fixing them that we forget our worth. I was very young, and he was the first boy I ever loved. If I could give myself advice, if I could’ve stopped any of the heartache I was going to experience this is what I would’ve said to myself. This is my advice to everyone, I would never want someone to put up with the things I did. These are the signs of abuse in a partner, this is how it happened to me. This is how I hope you are never treated, and if you find yourself in my shoes, I hope you also find the courage to leave.
In the beginning of our relationship, I was convinced that this was the man for me, that he was the love of my life. We moved very quickly, which is not uncommon with abusive people. We got engaged right away, eager to spend our lives with each other. Soon after I noticed that he had started calling me names. “Ho, Skank, Slut.” They were my pet names, even after telling him a million and one times they bothered me. Someone who loves you will not say things they know hurt your feelings.
Soon after, he started talking about his exes, constantly. I mean nonstop, was always telling me how they were horrible, and he was so glad I “wasn’t anything like them.” Not long after the first time he said this, one of the exes told me he had message her. I was devastated, why would he talk to someone he didn’t like, when I confronted him about it he had an excuse and promised it would never happen again. It would happen over and over again. Someone who loves you will not compare you to others, and they will not lie about who they’re talking to.
He controlled everything I did, who I talked to, when I visited my family, everything. I lost most of my friends, I wasn’t allowed to speak to them, he called them sluts, said if I hung around them I would be a slut too. He made fun of my relationship with my mom and would accuse me of being “too much of a momma’s girl.” He’d say it made me irresponsible, the way I relied on her and wouldn’t let me speak to her. The only person I was allowed to rely on was him, and he would become insanely jealous if I got too close with anyone else. Someone who loves you will care about where you come from, they will want to know everything about you. They will spend time with your family, and they will spend time with your friends because what is important to you is important to them.
Later in the relationship, he would break up with me every couple of weeks, usually on a Tuesday and then would want to get back together on Sunday morning. He would beg, and promise that it was a mistake, that it was just a break, that he didn’t mean “forever,” he just needed space. And every Sunday after a breakup, I would run back into his arms. When I was confronted by the girls, an ex girlfriend or otherwise, that he had been with them, that he had promised them a future, that he said I meant nothing, I would remind them that I had the ring, I was who he came home to. Do not shame the girl he’s cheating on you with, it’s not her fault he’s lying to her too. Someone who loves you will not need a “break” from you every two weeks. You will not annoy them to the point where they don’t want to be around you. If they think they can live without you, let them.
He would text me to tell me he didn’t love me, “never have,” and “never would.” I would beg him to come back, to love me. I would tell him I loved him, and how I wanted to spend my life with him until he felt that I had groveled thoroughly. When I had begged enough he would allow me to come to his parent’s house, where we were staying. Someone who loves you will not change their mind about you, and they will not need you to beg them.
I unfortunately, suffer from some mental health issues. When things started to get bad again, he wouldn’t let me see my therapist. Not long after, he decided that if I really loved him, I would stop medicating because I was still depressed I must not have loved him, and the only way to prove I loved him was to stop taking my medicine. Someone who loves you will understand when you have mental health issues, and they would never put your life at danger by asking you to stop treatment.
When his words stopped hurting me, he started throwing things. This is when he became “violent.” It started with a piece of pizza aimed at my thigh. It ruined a pair of dress pants and burned me. His family witnessed the whole thing and no one said anything, in fact his aunt cleaned the pizza, I changed and we all pretended it didn’t happen. Soon lots of other objects went flying, paintings, cups, books, tools, whatever was in reach. Someone who loves you will not throw things at you.
There are a million stories, a million ways I was treated poorly and a million ways I allowed and enabled it to happen. I didn’t want to believe that it was happening to me, I didn’t want to believe that I had allowed myself to be in an abusive relationship, and I didn’t listen to anyone who was trying to tell me that things were slipping out of control. My only hope is that you will see the signs and listen to your gut, and walk away. We can know the signs, we can see it happening but until we’re ready to hear it, nothing matters. I hope you open your eyes and see what is happening before he hits you, before he breaks your heart, and I hope you can walk away unscathed. You deserve the world. Do not settle for less.
