Once upon a time, little middle-school me stumbled upon a paraphrased version of a narrative John Lennon once shared. The story was along the lines of his teacher allocating homework one night, the assignment being to jot down something he daydreamed of being someday. While the proper response – for lack of better phrasing – would have been a profession of sorts, Lennon informed the class that he’d like to be happy. His teacher was puzzled and befuddled, assuring Lennon that he misinterpreted the directions, but the young soon-to-be musician insisted that she misunderstood life.
I remember writing his words down in one of the 12345 journals I’ve scribbled in over the years. I’d flip to the page they were on whenever I found myself bummed out by school or overwhelmed by expectations. It would remind me that nothing outweighs the importance of happiness…or so I once believed.
With some wisdom behind me, older college-aged me has a newfound self-reflective response to his innocently precious vision. I respectfully challenge the notion that happiness is an obtainable constant in life.
As with all emotions, happiness is a sensation triggered by neuronal firings, interactions among chemicals in the brain, and receptions at synapses. The neurotransmitters associated with happiness are known to be oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, and – although arguably considered more so a hormone – endorphins. The combination of neurotransmitters and their diffusions from one neuron to the next are responsible for an emotion, happiness in particular when it comes to those previously noted. Maybe it’s the neuroscience enthusiast in me, but the main point I wish to drive home is that you cannot stay happy at all times. It’s human nature to bounce around between all emotions. Like raindrops, they wash over you.
You can be happy, sure. I was happily eating strawberries a few hours ago. I am smile-so-big-it-stretches-ear-to-ear happy when I wake up in the morning to see my boyfriend next to me. I remember being happy when I pet a Shibu Inu puppy yesterday. But I also experienced frustration when I couldn’t remember the password to my Tumblr account. I was sad when I tried to buy my favorite cookies at Trader Joe’s only to learn they’ve been discontinued. Nervousness overpowered me when I tried scheduling one job of mine around the other.
My point is that you cannot be in a constant unwavering state of happiness without any other emotion getting involved. That’s not how the human mind works and I’m only sharing my view with you all because I think chasing happiness leads to dangerous places. While I most definitely understand the consoling aspect of vices, they more often than not tend to go hand-in-hand with self-destruction.
Happiness is like all other emotions in that it’s not constant. It lingers and it stays for a little while, sometimes longer, other times more brief…but eventually it wavers and it manifests as something else.
It’s not steady.
It’s not concrete.
It doesn’t last forever.
It’s transient.
It’s fluctuating.
It’s fleeting.
You can look for it, high and low and near and far, for as long you'd like. You could crawl to the ends of the world, climb the highest elevations, plunge to the bottom of the oceans, explore the depths of every sea, and even dig holes until you reach the core of this little blue planet we inhabit.
Happiness isn’t tucked away in a small town no one knows about, and it’s not at the tippy top of any mountain, or hiding in a coral reef, or swimming among aquatic ecosystems, or playing hide and seek in the earth’s innermost layers. It’s a response to a situation, nothing more.
You don’t find it.
You feel it.
Heads up, buttercup. If you follow in my old footsteps, you will be searching until the end of time for a destination that is nowhere to be found.
And maybe my perspective is more of a technical take than anything. Label it as realistic without allowing for idealism, if you will. However, knowing that I was exerting such a high level of energy into achieving a way of life that doesn’t exist alleviated my unrelenting exhaustion. After allowing myself to feel everything, as well as accept that all of my feelings are imperative, I was free. I released myself from the belief that happiness is more important that all the others. Sure, it’s wonderful, but it’s just one gemstone in a box of many jewels.
I’m not implying that you cannot be happy.
You most definitely can be.
Rather I am trying to instill a sense of comfort that I wish someone had provided to me many moons ago. You can’t be happy every hour of every day of every week of every month. You’ll drive yourself nuts trying to attain consistent pleasure. If you’re anything like yours truly, you’ll start to think something is fundamentally wrong with you for being incapable of holding onto happiness. It’s important to acknowledge that feeling a range of emotions is part of the human experience. Embrace them equally. Get to know them. Take Anger out to lunch and ask her what fires her up. Introduce yourself to Jealousy and learn where he comes from. Grab coffee and crepes with Fear and inquire about his worries. Calm the nerves of Anxiety by giving her tissues to dry her tears. Sit down with Courage and listen to his booming voice. With understanding comes compassion, and from there, the boundary between you and anything other than happiness can be eliminated.
You won’t always be happy and that’s okay.
You’re still feeling, and that is in and of itself absolutely beautiful.
