I’ve spent a good part of my life with my ear buds tuned in and the rest of the world tuned out. That’s how I cope. Music has been there for me during the lowest low in my life; I need it about as badly as I need the air that allows me to breathe. I’ve been coping through music for a long time, and over the time period in which my problems have weighed the most, I’ve compiled quite the playlist of songs to listen to when life hits me the hardest. On that playlist there’s a song by the Goo Goo Dolls; it’s called “Soldier.”

My favorite verse in that song goes like this: “I know things change, but you’re living like a soldier who’s caught in the fray. Don’t lose your faith. It’s not so cold. It’s not too late.” That line really spoke to me when I needed it most. It reminded me that even though I felt like I was trapped in a hopeless war against the man who seemed determined to keep my spirits down, I could make it through this. It reminded me that the battle wasn’t over and that I had to keep my head high.

Each part of that verse holds significance towards my struggle. The line, “…you’re living like a soldier who’s caught in the fray,” is an important reflection on how my life feels like it’s been twisted into a battlefield, and the war I’m fighting is my strife to find internal peace and ultimately happiness. Every argument is a new obstacle, and every loss is a loss of ground on the field where my peace lies waiting on the other side. I don’t want to go into a lot of depressing detail, but I think I have lost more ground than I have gained. This war has not been an easy one to fight, but it’s not nearly over either. I plan to hold my ground the best I can, and when the time comes, charge forward to the end.

The next line holds a lot of weight for me, too. “Don’t lose your faith.” I’ve already lost my faith once in this battle, and that was the point I struggled the hardest. I was drowning in misery and consumed by ugly thoughts of self-worth and purpose. That was the point where I really thought I wouldn’t make it through because there was no light at the end of the tunnel, no persevering hope to guide me through, and that’s when I turned to music and found this song and found my faith again. And because I had lost it and had to fight to regain it, it became stronger.

The loss of my faith also forced me to recognize how important faith is. Because the darkest of my dark days had been the ones where my faith was crushed, I saw how incredibly central faith is to, for lack of any better phrasing, make it out alive. If you don’t have faith, then all is lost until you get it back. Because if you don’t believe even in the smallest capacity that you will make it through, how can it possibly happen? Faith is necessary to keep your eyes on your good ending. When it is lost, the good ending disappears, and you are left with nothing but despair. Without faith, you come to accept the bad ending, then there is no other ending because your acceptance has put you straight on the road to it.

Think of the soldier. War is devastating and cruel and most certainly not kind. A soldier has to endure the full force of it while he is on the battlefield. War turns soldiers into monsters they never wanted to be; it drives them crazy. A soldier has to have something to hold on to so that the constant presence of gruesome death and lives on his shoulders doesn’t send him over the edge or under the water. For most, that something is faith. Faith that he will see his family again or make it to the next day guides the soldier through every battle.

So I’ll fight my war with help from this song’s reminder and a soldier’s faith.