It was Memorial Day Weekend: the discontinuation of the “no wearing white jeans” rule, the beginning of summer and, most importantly, the revival of Jersey Shore escapades. Nicole Polizzi, NJ socialite and pickle fanatic -- known as “Snooki” across the nation -- was all about this. Her juice-head hunt had been quite uneventful for approximately two weeks which, for her, seemed dinosaur ages ago.
Sadly, in an unfortunate series of events, Snooki’s cotton candy dreams of Bacardi and chiseled six-pack abs were shattered by a seemingly harmless favor: bring homemade chicken noodle soup and cookies to good ol’ grandma recovering from the flu. For the overzealous beach babe, this seemingly harmless favor was daunting and outlandish. Trekking to Bell Blue, Penn., a.k.a. bumble-land USA, to Grammy was nothing short of prosaic, a vantage of dreariness and despair obstructing sunshine and fun.
Her pleas against mother’s demands persisted, but to no avail. Snooki’s journey would go on. The road trip began in Marlboro, N.Y. Tragically, and ironically, she would then drive through Seaside, where her crew would be passing along contraband while relaxing in beach chairs. Then, without crashing the car “by accident,” she would eventually arrive in Grammy’s antiquated cottage by Sunday morning. Fortunately, mother was not totally demonic: Snooki was allowed to venture on a route of her choice with snacks and music galore; however, she could not visit the Shore under any circumstances. She was as free as a 20-year-old community college student living within parental confinements. How liberating.
After some failed “play hooky” attempts, Snooki finally loaded the car with booze, deep-house tracks, over packed suitcases, pickles, and the package for Grammy crammed in the back seat. Her mother eloquently reminded her that if she were to derail the intended route to "YOLO" in the Jersey shore, she would “effin’ kill her.” Snooki yesed and okayed her to death, seeing her mother’s directives as vitriol rather than a sincere demand. Finally, Snooki was allowed to explore (by her mother’s guidelines, of course).
You see, with Snooki, rules are mere suggestions. With the amount of body shots I’ve done, I’m going to Hell anyway, Snooki thought. And with that line of reasoning, she embarked to the Jersey Shore, for a nice tan and an evening to not remember. Her conscience did not feel remorse for a second. Luckily for Snooki, Seaside Heights was poppin’, so she was distracted from pondering about her decision. Six-foot-three, gelled hair, Italian juiceheads neighbored her car, while 82 degree rays of sunshine presented the perfect beach ambiance. From the moment Exit 82 crept upon her vision, she knew she was home.
Among the chaos and beachgoers was Snooki’s problematic, but good-enough to-tolerate, friend, Mike ‘the Situation.’ The Situation’s name goes without reason -- he has a tendency to cause havoc, and then watch his constructed production unfold. Today would be particularly interesting, and his interaction with Snooki would serve in his favor. After an intense hook-up session, The Situation was quite ravenous, which could explain why he immediately spotted Snooki’s basket of cookies and soup meant for Grammy. His initial idea was to simply ask Snooki for some treats, but then, to his dismay, he saw the “To Grammy” tag tied elegantly on the basket. The Situation began to plot and calculate, until arriving at a strategic, doable scheme.
The plan began with The Situation greeting Snooki in the only way he knew how. “Yo, Snooks! Over here.” The Situation approached Snooki with open arms, and an embracing hug. Snook, in turn, was appreciative and thrilled. The two engaged in small talk; The Situation divulged his wild tales, from hookups to arrests over the past year, while Snooki discussed her trip to Grammy’s house. When the Situation learned of Snooki’s desire to stay at the Shore, regardless of her responsibilities, he immediately extended the invitation to JWoww’s beach house party, where she could spend the night with Sammi, Ronnie, Vinny, and Pauly D. With this, Snooki, once over-saturated in sweat, became drenched in excitement -- she could barely contain herself. Despite mother’s request, Snooki accepted the invite and began what would be a forgettable weekend on the boardwalk and at Karma Nightclub. The Situation would use this opportunity to steal the cookies, the soup, and use the Mapquest directions from Snooki’s front seat (how she didn’t think of using a GPS, boggles my mind) to drive to Grammy’s and rob her antiques for profit.
The next morning, Snooki woke up next to a bottle of Tequila, and a man who looked much better under Tequila’s control the night before. After a long, much-needed hangover moan, Snooki rolled to her right to read the time: 12:30 p.m., Sunday afternoon. Snooki rushed to collect what was left of her belongings, and then darted to the car, where she would race 30 miles over the speed limit to Blue Bell, Penn.
The hustle and bustle of Seaside transmuted into vast acreage and roaming cows. Either it was the hollow rolling hills, or the cute little apple farms, but Snooki actually grew fond of the small city nestled in the middle of nowhere. Her drive, albeit the roaring headache not even two capsules of Advil could heal, was pleasant and serene -- until she arrived at Grammy’s. Grammy’s archaic cottage was completely isolated from the outside world: she had zero neighbors and zero view of civilization; rather, she was enclosed and encumbered by woodland. Far, far different from the openness of Seaside.
With basket in hand, Snooki walked up to cottage and opened the already unlocked door. She navigated through the home until she eventually found Grammy lying in bed. Grammy looked full of energy and particularly tan; this raised some concerns, but Snooki sequestered her gut instinct. Grammy even initiated the conversation and was coherent in comparison to her usual dozing off. On top of that, she threw in natural humor and witty remarks. This, again, seemed suspicious, but Snooki thought nothing of it. That is, until she heard a loud bang coming from the nearby closet door.
“Heeelp!”
Snooki looked at the door, then at Grammy. Imposter. Before she could lunge after hoaxer Grammy, The Situation, dressed as an 80-year-old innocent lady from head to toe, darted out the door. He could not afford to be arrested for the umpteenth time. However, his master plan to evade the scene failed miserably: Snooki noticed an Armani watch lounging on the counter, the one The Situation wore just one day prior. Before turning him into the police, however, Snooki decided she would spend the day with her dear Grammy. And when she looked into her sweet, sweet eyes, she realized that’s all she could ever really want in that moment. Perhaps, her mother was right, though she would never admit that.
