When the lights shut off for the night is when sleep evades. When the house is silent is when thoughts invade. When your mind is meant to shut down is when fears overtake. Only in the dark of bedtime when a mind becomes most active - because the world likes to spite us that way - do you consider what tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that have to hold. This is why I can't sleep at night, why I toss and turn, flipping and twisting as if by attacking my bed with my body I will suddenly become less apprehensive. When I do finally sleep, it's because of exhaustion. When I wake up grouchy, Dad blames it on Netflix. "Should've turned it off sooner," he would say. Mom blames it on all the napping I do. "Stop sleeping so much and maybe you'll sleep better," she muses.
But what they don't understand, what I'm not sure many over-the-age-of-thirty adults understand, is that I'm not sleeping because I'm afraid to wake up tomorrow. Our society is going up in flames with political hatred, combatant citizens, unjust sentences, and a lack of empathy for our fellow human beings. And I'm over here trying to figure out if I want to write books when I grow up, edit proposals for a major company, or if my future will even make sense in today's world. Perhaps the world will be so different by the time I graduate that my degree will mean nothing, my wants will mean nothing.
It's unfortunate that the monsters don't hide under our beds - maybe we could withstand those - but rather they are found in our own heads and outside our own doors. How do you battle something that you don't understand? How do you stand up to something that's so beyond your height that you can't look it in the eyes, can't begin to recognize the amount of fear you should contain for the beast?
The future has always been unpredictable. The turn of events that have occurred weren't expected either. But as I lay in bed wondering what my future holds, I wonder if it's even something imaginable. Sometimes I imagine I'm a mother and wife, playing house. Other times, I'm a confident and successful business woman. But what if that's not possible?
That's what keeps me awake. Not the binge watching of Netflix that keeps my mind off the endless and terrifying possibilities. Not the napping that occurs when the sun is up and my mind isn't as prone to jumping to the future when today is still happening. I'm awake because I'm not sure I'm able to face tomorrow. I'm awake because what if tomorrow is the day everything changes. I'm awake because I'm not sure I want to go into tomorrow, perhaps I'm better off staying in today where I know what to expect.
Is this the problem with today's generation? Maybe. We're often considered the "Now Generation". We want everything right now at the snap or swipe of our fingers. This could be because of the endless technology that does these things for us. Or perhaps, for some of our generation, we want it now because we're not sure we will get it later.
This isn't the only thing that keeps me up. Sometimes it's stress. Sometimes it's emotions. But more often than not, I punch the pillow and think that maybe I will have to fight more than my thoughts in the future. I'm afraid to wake up so I don't sleep.
