So a couple months ago I made it known to people I grew up with that I’ve had a pretty long struggle with anxiety and depression, now onto part two of opening up about more secrets in hopes of connecting to others going through similar situations, this one being a lot more difficult since only one person in the world knows that I have struggled with this, because when I open up it is normally met with extreme anger. So I can’t say for sure when the body dysmorphia started and it is extremely difficult to explain to people who haven’t experienced it. So I know that I am extremely thin, weighing in at 102 lbs last time I weighed myself. When I look in the mirror however, that is not what I see. I see in the mirror pudge and budges that I know don’t exist on my body, but that rationalization doesn’t matter because I see them.

I don’t like my figure, and my measurements are not good enough for me, I hated my body, and still do. I began buying steel boned corsets when I was 16 and soon became angry at myself for my weight. Now I have never in my life weighed more than 115 lbs, but the number on the scale didn’t matter, when I looked in the mirror I was still unhappy. The only thing that mattered was what I hoped the scale would say and that my reflection would show it. These days I get very upset at myself if I even weigh 100 lbs.

I should be saying everything in present tense though because I have yet to open up to any of my therapists or counselors about it. How could I? The anger I was met with when first trying to open up to people led to a conditioned response to where I still have extreme difficulty even just writing about it. I often go days, even weeks without eating and only ever drinking a small coffee, on my better days I will eat more than a person should be capable of eating, but then get very angry and tell myself not to eat anything for the next couple days. This has been going on for so long that I go very long periods without even feeling hunger, until my body gets so starved that I have the uncontrollable need to eat and I can’t help it (I suppose that should be the normal bodily response, but I still can’t help but feel ashamed of it). Society has this weird notion that depression can strike everyone, even the richest of people (like Robin Williams), but anorexia and bulimia can only affect people who are overweight.

Where does this make any sense? Just like depression isn’t a product of bad things happening, anorexia doesn’t discriminate either, body dysmorphia is literally a skewed view of oneself, so shouldn’t it make sense that it can even make thin people can think of their body differently than what is the reality? So instead of yelling at someone or beating them down because they say a certain way and you get angry at them for not being able to see the truth, try to be understanding, try to, instead of forcing them deeper into a life of self hatred and fear of getting help, encourage them to seek treatment and self love. Too many people, male and female, never get the help they need because of fear. I've been in therapy for a while now, and still I keep it hidden, while I'm comfortable enough in my depression to not feel the need to hide my self harm scars (despite people still telling me that I should). And as I write this now I'm still afraid of the backlash I know will happen. For all of those who fear opening up about your body dysmorphia, please know that you aren't alone, and I hope that you and I will both get to a place where we can look into a mirror and see our true selves, not the thing that we see now.