The frat party is a rite of passage for many college freshmen. The following is intended as a guidebook of sorts for the basic archetypes of frat brothers you will encounter on any given late night at a fraternity.
The Bluto
This guy offends every sensibility you have. He is loud. He is obnoxious. He is on a first-name basis with every drug dealer and bartender in town. He has a unique odor, which might stem from his filthy clothing, ear-splitting farts, or general aversion to showering. He’s still a ton of fun to drink with and knows all the best bar deals, but don’t even bother trying to keep up with him—this guy might as well major in partying.
The Tweed
He dresses like your dad. He majors in business or finance. At parties, he always has a bottle of expensive whiskey. Despite his suave personality and high-roller image, you still can’t shake the feeling that this guy is probably trying to be something he’s not. Watching him down a bottle of malt liquor when he thinks no one’s looking is probably the biggest clue.
The Dinosaur
While the tweed goes to great lengths to dress like your dad, this guy legitimately looks like he could be. Maybe he’s a non-traditional student who signed up to make some friends, maybe he took some time off from school, maybe he just has premature balding or maybe he’s just really bad at passing classes. Whatever his reason, you still feel strange watching him drink with people who look to be at least 15 years his junior. Once you get past his age, this guy is usually pretty cool however—age brings wisdom and whatnot.
The Extrovert
This guy bounces up to you and says hello the second you enter his house. Everyone seems to know him, and he regularly texts half of campus about upcoming parties. Like a very energetic Chihuahua with a high-functioning cocaine addiction, these guys tend to be physically small, highly active, yappy, and excitable. For whatever reason, he’s also almost always best buds with the Bluto. He can be a great resource if you want to stay in the campus loop, but some will have a hard time keeping up with these guys.
The Token Diversity Brother
This guy sticks out like a sore thumb. He wears a scarf, has a difficult-to-place accent, and comes from a country you can’t pronounce. He’s usually up to some weird stuff, as is his prerogative, but his brothers are used to it, so they don’t complain when he brings some bizarre duck leg salad for Sunday potluck. You feel like he’s a probably a pretty nice guy, but his accent becomes unintelligible when he drinks, so you never really get to know him.
The Jeremy
By far the worst of the bunch, Jeremy just can’t seem to do the simplest things right. When he isn’t spilling a drink on you or trying to pick up girls by talking about his jazz flute, you can usually locate this moron by simply following the loud expletives being yelled by his brothers. Be it forgetting the beer, dressing like a lumberjack for the pajama party, or accidentally spitting his gum onto your plate, you wonder if this guy is the most incompetent person on the planet or a habitual harasser of old gypsy women. If you see a Jeremy, run. Just run.
