For almost the entirety of my 19 year existence (excluding fuck months from my senior year of high school), I have been the ‘Single Friend.’ It’s a term I’ve come to accept, and even fondly regard as one that perpetually belongs to me. Oftentimes, when your life is filled with failed first dates amongst your friends’ anniversaries, you can’t help but think, What is WRONG with me? The simple answer is: nothing. And once you learn that, you’ll start to learn a lot of other things that come along with being the ‘Single Friend.’
1. You will always be the third wheel. Or the fifth wheel. Or the seventh.
Get used to it. Bring a book or a portable phone charger, because that will be your babe while your coupled up friends are busy staring lovingly into one another’s eyes. Also, bring a jacket to the movies, because you’ll have no one to cuddle with when it gets cold.
2. Blind dates are a thing
So are ‘accidental’ and forced dates. Your friends think they’re doing you a favor by setting you up with every single guy they can get their hands on, but they don’t seem to realize they’re doing more harm than good. When a group outing turns into three couples, you, and the other ‘single friend,’ it’s automatically assumed that the two of you will magically pair up. Sure, by that point we have no choice, but that doesn’t mean we are going to hit it off and it won’t be awkward as hell. Because trust me, it will be awkward as hell.
3. What ever happened to “_______”
When you have a reputation for not being in a relationship, every one of your dating endeavors becomes a topic of common interest. It doesn’t matter if it was one date, by that point, your friends have begun planning for your wedding. And every time you meet a new guy and don’t go on more than one date with him, they are just as shocked as the time before. “Whatever happened to him? You two were so cute together.” Either I was weird or he was weird and it just didn’t work out. It was one date, anyway.
4. Watching your super happy couple friends be super happy and couple-y
You love them, really. But do they really need to be so flamboyantly in a relationship? Everyone knows they’re together, even if they aren’t showing excessive forms of PDA for once. The hand holding and longing stares are enough to broadcast to the world that “Yes we are in love and you are not!” Is there really a need for them to lasciviously choke on one another’s tongues in front of everyone?
5. Self-deprecating jokes were created for people like you.
If there’s one way to get through the void of single-ness, it’s by nonchalantly making jokes at your own expense. Anytime you do anything weird, the automatic response is “This is why I’m single.” Acting bitchy, then it’s “Gosh I’m so difficult to deal with that’s why I’m alone.” The list goes on and on. Self-deprecation both points out your flaws and personality traits so you can embrace the ones you like and change the ones you don’t, all under the ruse of humor.
6. You get way too absorbed in your friends relationships
You know everything there is to know about your friends boyfriends. Names, birthdays, favorite color, pets, family members, and jobs. You also know more personal things like his annual income, his dreams and biggest fears, movies he cries to. Then, you get to know stuff that’s so personal you definitely could have gone your whole life without hearing. Turn ons and offs, kinks, how good he is in bed, how long he lasts for, penis size. At this point, you know so much about him that you could be dating him too.
7. Pep talks become your life
I’m not talking about looking in the mirror and telling yourself you’re a badass goddess and you’re ready to take on the world and everything in it, while still looking hot as fuck. I’m talking about those times when you do get down on yourself about being single, because let’s face it, sometimes it just sucks. But then your non-single friends come around and tell you everything they can to lift your spirits. Between being showered in compliments about your looks, personality, and talents, they continuously tell you how lucky you are to be single. You have so much freedom, and you can do so many more things than they can just because you’re not committed to another human being. As silly as it may seem, these little pep talks really do help.
8. You learn the true value of independence
You begin to notice it when you’re absolutely fine with doing things on your own and going places by yourself. Then you start to observe people who can’t go anywhere alone and are always in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but it causes you to appreciate the maturity of your independence. Nothing is more satisfying than looking good and working hard, having someone ask you “Who are you doing that for?” and saying “My own damn self.” You do you, and don’t let anyone tell you that you need a relationship to complete you.
9. You learn what not to do in a relationship
After being the shoulder to cry on for so long, you begin to notice behaviors that should not be tolerated under any circumstance. You also get to see the way your friends treat their significant others, and determine how you will act when/if you get into a relationship. Everyone has their types, but the longer you stay single and observe other relationships, the higher your standards will become.
10. You’ll also have an endless repertoire of standards that are relationship goals
On the flip side, your mind is filled with cute things that you would do in a relationship. This caption would be so perfect for a couple pic. That restaurant is so date-worthy. These ideas for Valentine’s Day. Endless date ideas and photo opportunities live in your mind, waiting for their chance to finally be brought to fruition. After all, no relationship is as ideal as the one you contrive in your thoughts.
