When I was young, I had to grow up fast. I lived in a home with three siblings had to take care of everyday. I loved my life. I loved helping mom, doing the dishes, changing diapers as weird as it may seem it was good. But things changed when I was about 13 years old. My mom began doing drugs, I had to move in with my grandma or be taken away by CPS. I was devastated, I was mad and heartbroken. I couldn’t believe my mother could do this to me, to our family. I was going through troubles I would never wish on a 13-year-old, I would never wish on anyone. I had to be the protector my siblings were all younger than me. There we 4 kids two of us went to my grandma on my mom’s side. Two of us went to their grandma on tier dad’s side.

My life was a mess, I didn’t know what to do. My mom would call and say, “I’m going to get you guys back, I promise.” That promise never came true because two years later, Aug. 31, 2011, she was dead. There was a knock at the door late at night. I was scared. I didn’t know what was happening. I heard screaming, crying. My sister and I got the news. Our mother was dead.

I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I couldn’t believe it. As if my life wasn’t already screwed up, it got even worse. This was the worst day of my life.

I began to start to hurt myself. I would get mad and punch myself. I would harm myself in many different ways. I never really believed anyone when they said it would get easier over time. When you’re 15, that’s just not something you believe.

I was so mad, so heartbroken and so empty. I didn’t know what to do. Soon I realized what I was doing was dumb. I knew I still had people to talk to, so many supportive family members. My grandma who took us in, who treated us like her own children. Who pretended to be strong even though her daughter was gone. So I pretended to be strong too. I kept all my feelings to myself, I only cried when I was alone. I made everyone think I was strong. I wanted everyone to believe I was strong. Even to this day. Five years later, I have friends who tell me you’re one of the strongest people I know.

I don’t wake up every day thinking about my dead mom. I think about what I have to do in class that day, what time I have to be at work, when I will I have time to do something fun. On the days when I do wake up thinking about my mom though, all my feelings rush through me at once. Like I’m standing outside and all of the sudden there’s a downpour ad I’m miles away from shelter.

Sometimes I cry but no one knows. Sometimes I forget that’s she’s gone and I want her to call me to tell me everything will be okay, but I know she won’t, so I tell myself. I surround myself with people and things that make me happy. But sometimes I stay in bed all day because I can’t think about it. I can’t think that she wasn’t there to see me graduate high school, that she won’t be there to see me graduate college, that she won’t be there to see me get married. She won’t be there.

But I know I have my grandma who is my rock; No matter what I may think, she’s there. I have my aunt, my wonderful strong amazing aunt who is one of my best friends. We may drift apart but I know she will always be there. I have my siblings: all of my wonderful, beautiful amazing siblings and of them. Three of which also lost their mother, our mother.

Though I may not see them, I think about them every day. I know that they are safe. I want to be their sun, I want to be the one who keeps their world lit, keep their world beautiful. I hope someday to do that. I have all my friends, all of my sorority sisters.

I have myself and I know I will get through this. I sometimes think of the day my grandma found a folder with a description of the death, pictures even. I remember her crying, crying so hard that I was scared. That day, I had to be strong. That day, I had to be her rock. I will try my best to keep my family safe, to keep myself safe, to continue to be positive.

I am doing much better now and I’m stronger today than I was yesterday, but I’m not the strongest I will ever be. Life is hard. We have to make it great despite our struggles. A lot has changed in my life, the way I think, what I believe. But one thing that will never change is I love and miss my mom no matter what. I know that even in the toughest times we have to believe that the world is a good place and that life is a good thing.

We have to be a bright shining star in a world full of darkness.