“Every day is a fight. Every morning is a battle to get ready for the day. Every afternoon is a fight to stay awake. Every night is a fight to find sleep. And between every fight, is another one fighting pain. Constant pain all day, all night, every single day. The pain hasn’t stopped, but it hasn’t stopped ME. I am a chronic pain warrior” – Success Thang.
I know what it’s like. I know what it’s like to wonder if the pain will ever stop. I know what it’s like to hope the doctors find a better cure. I know what it’s like for your life to be placed on hold because you can’t keep up with it. I know what it’s like to get to the point of lies placed in your head saying that it would be better to not be here anymore than live through all this pain.
I know, no one quite understands it. Your body belongs to you only. No doctor, nutritionist, specialist, family member, or friend can tell you how you feel. You know your body better than anyone else. Some think you’re exaggerating your pain. Others think you are making it a mental thing and if you would just snap out of it, you wouldn’t feel so crappy. They are wrong.
I know you have to pretend you’re OK. Not only are you already in searing pain, but then you have to hold it all in when you have to be in public which just adds to the pain. It takes everything in you to keep it together and not cry or scream in the middle of the grocery store. As you sit in class your anxiety is at its peak because all you can think about is how embarrassed you’d be if you throw up or faint in the middle of class. How does anyone expect you to concentrate and keep your grades up when all you can do in class is try to find a comfortable position to sit in where the pain is the lowest it can be? Then you sweat over possibly having a medical problem in the middle of class. And then stare at the time desperately waiting to get out of class to go back to bed. The thoughts of can anyone tell I’m miserable, is anyone going to make fun of me, I don’t want to be the “damaged” girl at school.
I know it affects the relationships in your life. You hate seeing your parents upset because their hearts are breaking while watching you deal with this evil illness. It stinks having to miss fun outings with your friends because you can’t even get out of bed. You feel left out and like you’re slowly losing your friends. You start to worry your boyfriend might leave because it’s too much stress and pressure to take care of you, he'll miss his daily activities to sit by your hospital bed side or watch someone he loves be in so much discomfort. Most of these special people in your life are there to love you, encourage you, and give you hope. They will stick by you every step of the way. However, for some people, it becomes more than they can handle. That’s when people leave.
I know the frustration. There seems to be a never ending amount of medical tests, hospital stays, confusion of the right doctor, needles, and surgeries. It becomes a routine of first being admitted then instantly overwhelmed with nurses in and out of your room putting IVs in you. You know your medicines better than anyone, so you tell the nurses the order of what you need and when before they can even examine it. The nausea medicine then pain killers just to give you temporary relief. The worry of being exposed to too much radiation through CT scans, MRIs, X-Rays, etc.
But I also know there is hope. Things will get better, it may not be today but eventually, it will. Take each new day as a blessing to be here and another opportunity to grow stronger both physically and mentally. You are not your illness. You are a warrior and a conquerer. You are stronger than you think you are. I know that there is hope.
