You keep telling yourself that change is good.

That God is change

Everything happens for a reason.

You met her in order to allow the universe to flow. She has been amazing since day one. She starts giving you gifts and small things. You aren't used to receiving so you are not sure how to integrate them into your life. She gives you a bottle of Cologne she loves and says “it's one of my favorite scents.” You smile. “Grow your hair out and leave it messy.” This is the thickest your hair has ever been. She cooks for you and introduces you to different foods. You love the culture she provides, you cook for her too but she isn't really a fan of what you make. You can see the difference in appreciation. Cooking for someone is an act of love and care. Both missing from this site so you play it off. Your co-workers chuckle as you unpack your lunch full of strawberries and melon dew. They don't know how you feel so you ignore them. You see her face in the back of your mind and you smile. “I want you to be healthy.” You think about forever and it doesn't seem long at all with her in it. You both are on a jog and you can barely keep up with her and she's constantly slowing down and speeding up. You remain a steady pace so not to burn yourself out. She gets a text and you both can see it when she pulls her phone up. “I'm sorry.” She quickly puts the phone back in her pocket and you try to ignore it. But every time she speeds up and is ahead of you, she pulls her phone out. You focus on jogging. Your heart is unsure, your mind is murky, and your palms are itching for some reason. One day you both are laid up watching a show and her phone lights up. You don't pivot your head but you both can see the screen. “I was thinking about you again.” She smirks and puts the phone down. You both continue watching the show but you sense she is no longer watching. She using the show to wait. She goes to the bathroom and you see the phone is missing.

It's Christmas dinner and you are about to meet her family for the first time. You are nervous but she says not to worry. You feel confidence and courage slowly ascend into your stomach. You smile and walk in. Everyone greets you and you feel warm. Her smaller siblings and cousins look at you. It's a look of familiar and strange. Like they saw you before but in a dream. Her aunt stares from a distance as if she seen a ghost. Her grandfather cans you an unfamiliar name. “Carter you got a little big man.” This is the first time you've seen this man your entire life. You are in a different city. You brush it off as an older man with bad eyesight. Her aunt keeps sparking at you as she sets the table and her mother avoids asking you questions. Once everyone has eaten you go sit down in the parlor and the kids come rubbing by. They ask if you want to play the game again. You ask “that game?” they reply “ the same as last time.” Your heart does a sudden drop. Again you've never been here. “You’re no fun anymore Carter.” They yell out. Again that name. You recall the text messages. They came from a contact named “C” and that's all. You overheard her father earlier yelling about “he still lives down the street.” You recall the aunt and mother saying they had never seen her happier and in love than with him, while you were washing your hands in the bathroom. You grab your coat and proceed to walk down the street. You hadn't seen her in quite a few minutes and the house isn't big enough to get lost in. You pass two streetlights and a long fence before you notice a household with its lights on. There is a light bit of rain and the air smells like iron. Suddenly the lights go off and you see a shadow appear and takes off around the corner of the house you. The color of her coat is all you can see as her ponytail trails behind. You try to keep up with the dark figure but you haven't conditioned enough. It's gone behind several houses and you are out of breath. You walk back to the house and you remove your damp coat and hang it up. You ask her mother if she has seen her daughter and she replies no, but tells you how to get to her old room upstairs. You head up and knock on the door as you come in.

She's laying on her bed. You smile as you see her but it grows to discontent as you notice she's puffing. “Hi, babe where have you been?” You look coldly at her and notice the coat she had on the floor was damp. You make up an excuse about how you were taking a walk to see the area and then the rain comes in. You ask her why her coat is wet and she makes something up about the backyard needing tending to. You both hear a commotion downstairs and head go see what's up. You hear a name yelled. The same name you been hearing all day. The family crowds around the man you had never seen before and you feel forgotten. Even your girlfriend seems more interested in him than you. You take notice of her hair and how you still needed 2 more years to catch up to his. You notice the messiness of it and how it grows the same way as yours. Your heart completely drops as your realize you are looking into a mirror. You walk upstairs and sit on the toilet.

You take deep breaths and remember the coat you had on was just like his but a different shade. You realize you were being molded in his image. Like he was God and you were his greatest creation but never meant for more than that. Every smile you remember for the last 3 months compromised. Every I love you felt hollow. You pull out your phone and go to the gallery. You swipe through pictures of yourself and look at the change. See how you were becoming less of yourself. You go through pictures of her and see droplets falling on your screen. You immediately look up and try to find the leak. Nothing but popcorn ceiling and a sun window. You look back down and more droplets fall. You're crying and you didn't even notice till you felt your face heating up. Your nose starts to drip and you can't help but feel like nothing is really how it seems. She burst through the door and looks surprised. Carter is standing behind her and you get up off the toilet.

You begin washing your face. She says she was just going to show him where the restroom was. There are 2 restrooms downstairs, you know this because you counted. He's probably been here a hundred times so you know damn well he doesn't need help getting to the restroom. Carter say he can just use the one downstairs and she say okay and offers to walk him. You pull your head from under the sink and tell her to come back. Carter says “it will only be a second guy.” You felt the disrespect and disregard from both of them. You are heated and clenching your fists. You yell hey with as deep a tone as you can muster and Carter comes back. You regard his physical status. His posture and stance.

In that second, you realize Carter could kill you if he wanted. He would kick your ass two different ways while making an omelet for your girl. You remember all the jogging you did and all the trying you've undergone. You recall all the fruit you've been eating, the friends laughing as you deprived yourself. You can taste the strawberries and even feel the seeds between your teeth. They give you power. This is the time to make it all with it. You swing with all your might at carter's head but he must be a boxer or Olympian, or maybe it is the God you've been unknowingly sculpted in but Carter dodges the blow. The look on his face is not as if the hit would hurt him, is more like he just doesn't want to be touched. He delivers a slight shot to the solar plexus and you gasp for air. You fall to your knees and he moves back. You are thankful for his restraint but full of hate for the fact that you were struck at all. Everyone downstairs hears the noise and ask what's going on. Carter says he should go and your girl rubs your back and tells you to lie down in her room. She says she going to walk him out and she's sorry for the whole thing and will be back soon. There you lay in the bed feeling and pain for ever having known her. For not seeing the signs if there were any. You feel like your chest is caved in and don't dare to look down. Before he punched you, you recall a smell very familiar. Like you had yourself in a headlock. The Cologne she got you was the same scent as yours. You feel sick. You pull at the skin on your neck and tears begin to fall as they burn the sides of your temple. You begin to lose control of your breathing and hyperventilate. Vomit comes to the back of your throat and you leap to the restroom. You apply more cold sick water to your face and neck. You lay back down on the bed and your eyes get heavy.

Thirty minutes later you awake and the house is quiet. Most everyone is gone and your girl still isn't home. You get in your car and drive home. It's a long drive by yourself but it seems fitting. A few months later your eating habits are similar to before. You had a decent job that allow you to more out and you have a single bedroom apartment. You feel comfortable for the first time in a long time. You still feel lonely so you get a dog that is loyal and energetic. You go online to message a friend about the news but you are still friends with your old girl's friends. From their feed you see she got married to Carter and you feel cold again. You message the friend to tell her you said congratulations. They reply asking if you are sure. The embarrassment is overbearing and you shut the laptop down. You lay on your bed remembering the good times but with anxiety and doubt. Every time she kissed you was she wishing she could kiss him. You already dressed and smelt like him. You recall she liked hearing certain pet names when they had sex, were those the names he called her when they laid together. You play soft music while you lay in bed. You don't cry this time. You feel the hair on your head and think about cutting it. You see the old barbells on the side of the room and think about throwing them out. You already gave the Cologne away months ago. You lie in bed and you look at the ceiling and feel no leaks. You think about God and how we are shaped in his image. You pull out your phone and delete her contact. You think about how God created us in his image. You think about God and you see yourself. You think about love and you no longer see her. You see yourself. You take deep breaths and you close your eyes. You no longer think.