I'm not a perfect person, I know that. And I truly believe there is no one in the world who's perfect. I do believe though that there are lots of people who live extraordinary lives. People who are always positive, joyful, and excited. I've never been one of those people.
It's sad to think about how happy you used to be or how happy you could be. My number one goal in life is to always find happiness. Sometimes people give me strange "really?" looks when I say that but I honestly don't care. Raising kids and sharing my life with someone who will unconditionally love me sounds like ideal happiness for me. Of course small things make me happy, such as camping in the mountains or watching my favorite TV show after work too. But I want my mind to always be relaxed and "okay". When I say "okay" I'm meaning that I'm not letting myself be upset about something. Anxious people tend to worry, and I find myself overthinking. Overthinking leads to doubt, worry, and even depression.
I wouldn't categorize myself as being clinically depressed. However I do feel like sometimes I might be in the beginning stages. If I went to a doctor right now, he/she would probably say to just cheer up and think of the good things around me happening. Which of course I do on a daily basis, but then I'm reminded of this dark shadow that follows me around.This brings up a big concern of mine also. When people brush over how you're feeling down and saying something like "move on", the sadness gets deeper. Can't somebody listen and help?
This shadow I'm referring from earlier is depression. Many people have a big, dark shadow that comes out to wreak havoc, while other people have a small, tiny shadow that only makes a couple appearances. According to American Webster, depression is termed as being a serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is able to live in a normal way.
See why I wouldn't want to categorize myself as being depressed? Who wants to admit to feeling hopeless or unimportant? It's basically saying you've given up, you're a failure. That seems to be a common key word in the world of depression. Especially when depression leads to harming yourself and/or suicide. It's terrifying to reach a point where you're not excited to do anything so you lay in bed. It's terrifying having to open up to people that you just don't feel right. But one thing I've noticed is that eventually everything turns itself around. That shadow following you will find it's way home if you just let yourself be happy. Do what you you want in life, do what makes you happy. Anything you need or want to do to get rid of that shadow, more power to ya. And if that shadow isn't going away, find help. Find a friend, journal, counselor to share your feelings to. You are not alone, even battling depression.
