Consent: Noun: permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.
My parents never had “the talk” with me (which has seriously hurt me and caused my social development to lack in many ways). I was always curious but too awkward to initiate the conversation. For that reason, I had to rely on Human Growth and Development to learn about myself, and even then I barely knew anything. Had my parents taught me the things I needed to know, it would have made a huge difference in the way the events of my life have unraveled. One thing for sure, I can’t recall a single time that HG&D taught me about sexual consent. I learned what sex was, and the results of sex, but that’s all. When it comes to sexual consent, education should be mandatory.
No one ever wants to be told “no”, just like no one ever wants to tell someone “no”, but under the circumstance of sex, it’s okay to say no and to do so without explanation. You are entitled to this. It is your right to say no without feeling like you've done something wrong.
It took me a very long time to understand consent, and if you are unsure I’ve broken it down into an extensive list of things you may think are consent but actually aren’t.
CONSENT IS NOT:
1. Flirtation.
2. Silence.
3. Physical activity (kissing).
4. Assumption.
5. Dating.
6. Consent to things less serious than sex.
7. Purchasing things for someone.
8. Lack of clothing.
9. Previous consent (saying yes but and then changing your mind).
ALSO: consent cannot be given if a person is asleep, dead, unconscious, intoxicated, or in a bad state (and believe me the signs are very obvious). Consent can even be withdrawn at any time (even if you’re in the middle of the act and want to stop). I understand that can be confusing to some, so below is a list of everything that consent is.
CONSENT IS:
1. Consent.
Consent is saying or receiving the response “yes”. “No” will never mean “yes”. A non-response will never mean “yes”. It annoys me when I think about the many excuses that people come up with to defend sexual assault and rape (the result of no consent). This is why education on consent is important. Committing the act doesn’t alone make you the problem. Defending and making excuses for the offender puts you equally in the wrong. It doesn’t matter that he/she “was intoxicated”, or that he/she “is a good person who would never do something like this”. Said person is wrong and should be held responsible. Often times, survivors remain silent because they are the ones who seem to be put on trial and bombarded with questions such as “well, what were you wearing?” or “how much did you have to drink?”
Know this: the only way to make certain that you have consent is to ask. Ask “would you like to *insert physical act*?” or “are you alright with this?” Asking for consent really isn’t that complicated.
If you forget everything that I’ve previously stated, please remember this.
No = no
Anything that isn’t yes = no.
Yes = Yes
Once again, no means no. No will always mean no. Anything that isn’t an enthusiastic “yes” is a no.
