So often when girl comes forward with a rape claim, she is asked, “Well, what were you wearing and was there alcohol involved?” These are the two go-to questions that almost all sexual assault victims are asked. Why is it not, “Are you okay and what can I do?”

It should not matter to the people who are supposed to HELP in these situations what she is wearing when she is raped or sexually assaulted. It literally does not matter. A girl could go out wearing two pairs of sweatpants and the rattiest T-shirt she can find beneath her over-sized sweater because it’s cold and still be preyed upon.

The amount of visible skin or the amount of cleavage showing does not make any difference to those intent on having their way. Sometimes girls will dress down when they go out because they don’t want some guy to get the wrong idea and think that they are looking to have sex when they aren’t. It is so messed up that girls have to pay attention to what they wear when they go out in public because they might attract ”the wrong attention.”

If a girl goes out and dressed down she does not want to sleep with you. If a girl goes out and she dresses up, she is not always dressing up with the intent of having sex. Yes, we live in a hook up culture and going out and getting laid is pretty normal for college students these days, but like everything else you can’t just assume what a person’s intent is based on their appearance or the amount of alcohol they’ve consumed.

Assuming someone likes you inserting your penis into their vagina does not make it so. Assuming that since a girl put on makeup this morning that she’s insecure and needs approval from other people to feel good about herself does not make it true. I could keep going on here, but I won’t.

Also, if a girl is intoxicated that should be a clear indicator right there that she is not able to make conscious decisions. If anything, the amount of alcohol consumed may as well be a warning label stating “I’m drunk, take me home. Don’t touch me.” or simply “Do not touch.”

I cannot stress enough how important it is to receive consent. A lack of clear consent is not always no, but it is most definitely not always yes. There is also a discrepancy when it comes to why the victim didn’t say “no” or fight back. Is it all that shocking though?

From a very early age, we humans are all engaged in what psychologists call a fear “fight or flight” response. They forget to mention “freeze.” When something incredibly frightening and disturbing is happening to someone, a lot of the times they cannot escape and have no other choice but to freeze up.

Say for instance a wasp lands on your shoulder while you are on the bus. You are terrified of wasps and also happen to be allergic. You are too afraid to swat at it on the off chance you may anger that wasp and have it sting you. You are also afraid that if you swat at it, the wasp will become angry and sting someone else. So what do you do? You sit perfectly still and wait for the wasp to leave you alone and to fly away.

We are told that when faced with life or death situations that the safest thing to do is to give in and to not struggle. Struggling will only make things worse. In these instances of rape and sexual assault, there is a moment of complete panic when we realize that this person(s) is not going to stop, so we go limp in the hopes that they will lose interest quickly and leave us alone.

Then of course we are judged because we didn’t “fight back.”

I have seen a number of instances where a guy will be accused of sexual assault or rape and he will say, “I thought she liked it, she was so wet.“ No. Not only is that not enough to validate whether or not the victim was in any real danger or not, but that is complete bullshit.

Women’s bodies will naturally self lubricate when something is inserted into the vagina. They will self-lubricate when a tampon is inserted, and there is nothing pleasurable about a tampon. This is a natural bodily response that is meant to be protective, and it does not mean that there was any pleasure involved.

But of course the girl is going to mill over those words again and again and again trying to figure out and wondering if she indeed “liked” it. There will be parts of her that she hates because she isn’t sure how something like this could happen to her, and she will also hate that she put herself into a situation where this might happen in the first place.

It is not her fault for wanting to have a good time.

It is not her fault because she wore a shirt that was “too revealing”.

It is not her fault that someone couldn’t keep his hands to himself and out of her.

It is not her fault she could only remember bits and pieces because she left her drink to pee and came back to it drugged.

It is NOT her fault.

The one at fault is the person who invaded her private space without being invited in.