By writing these intimate experiences and sharing them with you I am in no way seeking pity. I wish to empower you because you have the right and the ability to stand up for yourself no matter the situation you find yourself in.
If you are a person who played any role in my life during any of these events I am not seeking to single you out negatively, instead I am hoping you may find perspective that I feel is long over due.
As someone who identifies as a resilient and powerful woman, I find great passion in understanding self-sufficiency in myself and in those around me. In order to rise boldly from trial and to feel safe being more truly you, times may come when you have to eliminate from your life that which holds you back from your full growth and healing.
I would like to illustrate this idea with a story from my past and I shamelessly present the following:
I was very young when it happened. My mother and I were living in the laundry room of my aunt’s place in Utah. Through the duration of our time living there, one of my cousins would sneak in at night and sexually violate me. I stayed silent because I was told I had to be and I lacked the understanding and vocabulary to ask for help.
It was years later that I found courage to speak up. Through a long and exhausting process, my mother and I sought justice for this situation in the hopes of protecting my cousin’s younger siblings. My family’s desire to keep the family reputation intact won over my safety.
Once my grandmother, while driving me to school, was trying to convince me that because I was so young and in such a transitional time when I was violated, that my memory was at fault, maybe it was a dream, maybe even the neighbor boy. Ever since then I have felt alienated by those in my family who were supposed to protect me.
I continued on for years deciding between having to see my cousin in person at family events, or not participating in family events for my emotional safety and having guilt placed on me for doing so.
What my family may not know is that while I have gone through my share of therapy for dealing with what happened to me, I have much more that I continue to carry daily. Night terrors in which I wake screaming from the vulnerability I feel while sleeping and triggers during sexual intimacy that create anxiety attacks.
I am constantly finding power from within to overcome these issues, and I have found ways to communicate with those close to me. Shoutout to my badass partner for consistently growing in communication with me!
My family recently invited me to a family reunion at a beautiful cabin in the mountains of Utah. I decided to fly out and visit for the weekend and was so excited to do so. It wasn’t until arriving with my partner that I realized that my cousin was there and that no one bothered to warn me.
Walking into the cabin I was overwhelmed with vulnerability. I felt like my family did not care enough to even consider how I might feel.
As I have mentioned before, no matter how much anyone loves you, there is no one who is capable of taking care of your needs, like you can.
It is long overdue, but in order to protect myself and allow myself the time and space I need to continue to grow and heal and to be loved for who I am, I have finally decided that the best choice I can make for me is to remove myself from these relationships. This includes social media, in person and in my heart.
I find solace in reminding myself that in forging authentic connections with those in the world, I am building my own wonderful, supportive, loving family. I desire to be a bold example to my younger sisters in what it means to stand up for yourself as a strong woman and I hope that in reading this article you are able to find motivation to step out of that which holds you back from being an honest expression of yourself.
