Recently, after obtaining an Amazon Prime account, I have been exploring the world of "Sex and the City". Even if you haven't watched the show, chances are you've at least heard about it in passing. It's been nearly 20 years since the show aired in the late 1990s, but it's still as relevant as ever. Watching with my girlfriends I saw so much of the characters in all of us. I could connect with Carrie's relationship troubles, Miranda's pressure into being independent, Charlotte's desire to find a happy ending, and Samantha's comfort in the pleasure of the now. What made the show so great was how these characters foiled each other and had different opinions. Not one character was perfect, and they all had different strengths and flaws, making them all more personable in some way or another.
In watching all six seasons of "Sex and the City", my own group of Decatur single women and I discussed how the show really is an amazing tool for any young women entering into the world of serious relationships and sex. Not only is the show clever and smart, but it asks so many serious questions and it becomes the single 20-30 something woman's handbook: the new feminine mystique for millennials?
We found ourselves laughing over the highlights of the show and naming the chapters of our so-called "millennial woman's handbook" and came up with some introspective sections, that we hope you enjoy.
"Sex and the City" is riddled with dating advice. Hell, it's a show called "Sex and the City." Some of the lessons learned in the show are trivial and fun, and others...well, let's just say they 'hit home' a little more for some of us...
For example:
It takes half as long as you dated them to get over them. This is a fun, but not necessarily true piece of dating advice. I have found it to be true on some occasions, and on others, take as much time as you need. Don't take 6 months to grieve a relationship you were over in a week, and don't shame your friends for taking longer (or shorter) than you would have to get over a relationship. *cough* Miranda forcing Carrie out of the house a month after her year-long relationship with Mr. Big.
Do people really "win" after a breakup? The answer we like to think: No! Of course not. In reality: Of course there are. I immediately think about Carrie seeing Mr. Big for the first time after their first breakup, when he runs into her at a bar with a New York Yankee. She definitely won that round.
Are deal-breakers real? In "Sex and the City" Aidan tells Carrie he can't date a smoker, but ultimately does because he loves her. Deal breakers are tricky. Sometimes you break your own deal breakers, and it's up to YOU to decide who's really worth breaking your own rules for and who's not.
When is too soon to have sex with someone? In all honesty, our society has set so many rules about when it is or isn't okay to sleep with someone. After 5 dates? 3? When you're married? The real answer: whenever YOU feel comfortable. Don't let your friends or society tell you it's too soon, or that you need to find out if he's good in bed tonight, not next year. Charlotte waited until the night before she married Trey to sleep with him, and Carrie slept with Mr. Big on the first date. Both relationships had problems, no matter when they slept together.
Can cheaters ever really be forgiven? I have often told my friends: Everyone has either cheated or been cheated on, assuming you've had a few relationships. It happens, unfortunately. It's happened to me! Some people say they could never forgive a cheater. Others have stipulations on forgiving a cheating spouse. Others would forgive their partner. If you chose to forgive someone, or not forgive them for cheating, it's your choice. Aidan eventually forgave Carrie for cheating on him, and Big forgave Carrie immediately for cheating on him with Aidan . . . why does Carrie cheat so much? Anyway, off topic . . .
If you expect something of your partner, don't be a hypocrite. Don't nag at them to move their stuff if you don't pick up after yourself. Don't ask for something in bed if you can't reciprocate. Easy. I'm looking right at Miranda and her unwillingness to return the dreaded 'tookus lingus'.
Compromise is key. Carrie in "Sex and the City" learned this when Aidan wanted to go to his country house every weekend, and Carrie is the least country girl I've ever seen. Sometimes you have to compromise with the people you love, but never change who you are for someone else.
Appreciate what you've got while you've got it. This goes for computers and men. When Carrie's computer breaks, Aidan gets her a new one, saying it has a handle so it looks like a purse! How ungrateful is she? Very. How long before they break up? Not long.
Don't date the guy who keeps you a secret. I've been down this road before. If you're standing right in front of his mother and he introduces you as his friend, or worse: doesn't introduce you at all, not only is it bad manners, but you deserve someone better. Carrie thought so too when she found herself in this situation at the end of season one.
Don't pick out the flaws. I've promised myself I'd never do this in a relationship. Don't go around looking for the imperfections in your significant other. Enjoy them for their good parts and enjoy what you've got while you've got it. Nothing makes me yell at my television more than watching Carrie actively search for Aidan's flaws.
Do you open the 'ex-file'? My answer: it depends. Do I want to know about what they've been through so that I understand the person they are and what might upset them? Yes. Do I wanna know her name, her quirks and everything they did together? No. This really depends on the person, though. I believe Carrie would agree with me, as well, after semi-diving into her boyfriend Jack's 'ex-file'.
Good vs bad breakup methods: Never break up with someone over a post-it note *cough* Jack Berger. Don't do it over skype, don't do it over text, give them the decency of doing it in person, or, at least on the phone.
You might not end up with the type of guy you always thought you would. Look at Charlotte and Harry! Or Miranda and Steve! Charlotte thought she'd end up with Trey, the handsome doctor, not Harry, the bald, Jewish divorce lawyer. You might end up with a bartender, or a bald Jew...you don't always get the rugged furniture designers and hot shot bankers.
You can't pressure someone into loving you. One of the most important lessons I learned from Carrie in "Sex and the City" was that you can't force someone to love you or think you're 'the one'. Carrie tried to do this with Mr. Big in the season one finale, and they ended up breaking up.
Don't be Charlotte. Charlotte CONSTANTLY cries and whines about finding her perfect man, until she finds Trey. He's 'textbook perfect', but their marriage falls apart because he's not so perfect after all. However, I also learned not to fear divorce like the plague. After all, Charlotte never would've met her divorce lawyer husband if she hadn't needed, well, a divorce lawyer.
Are we romantically challenged, or are we sluts? This was an interesting one. Carrie once posed the question: "Are we romantically challenged, or are we sluts?" She brought up an interesting point: if you're a single, sexually active woman in your mid-thirties you're bound to have racked up quite a few sexual partners. But, we're not sluts. Until men have an equivalent for slut with its own negative connotation, we're romantically challenged.
Sex IS a big factor in an adult relationship. Whether you want to admit it or not, it is. It causes a lot of marriages to fall apart. Sex is not everything, but it's an important factor if you're spending the rest of your life with someone. Just look at Charlotte and Trey.
Don't settle. Even if he's the textbook "perfect guy", NEVER settle. I still maintain that Carrie would not have been happy with Aidan, even if he was everything she had wanted from Mr. Big.
Your friends will ALWAYS be there. Even when boyfriends come and go every few episodes, your friends won't. The one constant for Carrie is her friend group. Without Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha she'd be lost. Always offer to help a friend in need (even if they're in financial trouble) and never send your boyfriend to do a girlfriend's job.
Don't be Carrie. The biggest thing I've noticed about Carrie is how she can manage to take any conversation and make it about her. She is probably the most selfish person I've ever seen on television. When your friend throws out their neck and you bring her bagels to help her feel better, don't start talking about your boyfriend before you're even in the door. And when your friend has just had a baby, don't call her wondering if some girl is spreading a rumor about you. Some other people have lives too.
Don't let anyone judge your lifestyle. Never let someone shame you if you want to quit working and be a mother. Never let someone shame you for buying $300 Manolo Blahniks. Never let anyone shame you because you're still a single girl in the city and they're settled down. Never.
Writing a memoir could get you in trouble. As a wannabe writer, this is the one that, funnily struck home with me. When Carrie writes her book "Sex and the City" her ex-boyfriend Big ends up reading it and thus, their reunion in San Francisco is filled with nothing but endless talk about how things really went down and how badly Big hurt her. It's a good thing to keep in mind for anyone hoping to write a memoir.
Perhaps more women should use "Sex and the City" as a handbook. It's a pretty fabulous one indeed.
