I may be writing this letter to an audience of one, but the content is worth the embarrassment. My life seems to be a never-ending cycle of give and give some more. I find myself trapped in a box of guilt and loyalty to the people that give me happiness and purpose—friends, family, my two dogs, or whatever.

Though many variables affect my romantic inhibitions, I noticed my selflessness soars high above the rest.

I bet your wondering why I believe selflessness to be a negative personality trait. I don’t. I think truly unselfish people are one in a million and deserve endless respect. With that, I do not think myself to be the most selfless and wonderful person on the planet. But, I will say that my desire to always consider another’s happiness before my own has hurt my own chance of finding happiness in another.

It takes me awhile to truly open up to people, but when I do, I trust them with my entire being. I prioritize their needs before my own because that is the only way I know how to love others. Once a person has proven toxic to my well-being, I stick around until I’m drained attempting to repair a problem I had no share in creating.

Unfortunately, I carry this sentiment to potential romantic interests. The problem occurs during the “talking stage” which makes this so much more challenging. During this early stage, neither party wants to stake claim in the other, but usually, it bothers both when another potential interest is brought into the equation.

If the man I am interested in shows slight interest in another, I instantly back off. I allow him space to explore other options and find another chance at happiness. I put my desire to be happy with this person aside because I couldn’t handle the potential guilt of another person being able to make him happier.

Am I making this assumption far too early? Yes. But, I’d rather allow someone I care for (even minimally) to find exactly what makes them happy instead of keeping that person to myself in selfishness.

The problem intensifies when the other interest is a close friend because I feel I owe them for being such a positive force in my life. I will happily sacrifice myself for the mere opportunity to see them happy.

I do not foresee a change in my innate desire to keep my friends happy. Consequently, that means I will probably remain single for a while longer, too.

If I had the opportunity to change, I wouldn’t. Seeing my closest friends happy makes me happy. And for now, that is enough.