I have always had a personal struggle with my own self-worth. My biggest issue is my body image. I have always felt extremely overweight, whether I am actually overweight or not. I try to dress myself so I never show off my stomach. Wearing tight clothes always makes me feel like everyone is staring at me and judging my fat. I have a fear of eating around people I am not familiar with. For example, when I’m at school, I truly hate to eat anything for fear someone will think, “Damn, she’s a fat ass.” I have even taken the mental note to plan out how far apart I should eat something from the last time I ate. If I eat a meal at school, say a biscuit, I try not to eat a snack or anything else for at least 2 hours. Sometimes I use food for comfort, and I will totally be the first person to admit that. Who doesn’t love food? I enjoy cooking, but what I cook definitely contributes to my obsessive thoughts about my weight. I feel guilty after I eat, which makes me want to eat more to remove the guilt.
Back when I was a smoker, I would replace meals with smoking so I wouldn’t eat as much. I was at an unhealthy weight during this time, but I was happiest with my appearance. I was thin and people would complement me on that. Over the past six years, I have gained at least 50 pounds. Some may view that as an achievement for me because I was so unhealthy, but for me it feels like a significant downfall. I quit smoking roughly three years ago; I may have replaced that habit with an eating habit, which is typically something that does happen when one gives up a habit -- we replace it with something new to keep our minds off of the old one.
There is another aspect of myself I would love to be able to completely annihilate. I always fear that I annoy people when I talk, especially about myself. Sometimes I feel like I get shut down or like no one is listening to anything I say. They may not be, or they listen and don’t care. Deep down I know this is not true, but I unfortunately have it embedded in my mind that everything I say is completely ridiculous and even boring.
So now the question is how do we overcome something this significant? You can and you will overcome this. No matter what self-worth battle you are fighting right now, it can be done. You are worthy, to someone, everyone and most importantly, you are worthy to yourself. I get up daily and repeatedly tell myself, “I can do this.” I can overcome my daily anxieties. I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself, “I am beautiful and I am important. Everything I say has meaning, even if it doesn’t mean anything to anyone, it matters to me.”
Everyone tells me I always look so happy, so confident and so pretty. Deep down I struggle with the realization that I really am what people tell me I am. I am Jena. I matter.
