Like most people, I’ve struggled with body image for the majority of my life. I’ve always been “the big girl” in class. For a very long time, I found myself feeling worthless because of my weight. I truly believed that I didn’t deserve to be happy; that I didn’t deserve to find love; and that I didn’t deserve to live life at all.

As a young girl, I never thought once about what I looked like. I was short and tiny, like the majority of my classmates. I fit in because no one looked at me differently.

When I entered middle school, that all changed. I gained about 20 pounds from the year prior, and I think a lot of that had to do with puberty. People started looking at me differently, making jokes about me, and calling me “fat.” I distinctly remember in the fifth grade, I was choke-slammed into a puddle by a fellow classmate because I was “fat.” This traumatized me for the majority of my middle school career.

(That's me in the top right corner!)

I played basketball and softball all four years in high school. When I made the basketball team, I was so excited. I didn’t think that I would make the team because of my weight. I’ve never been the fastest, so I was afraid that would count against me. It didn’t, because I was picked for my defensive skills, which were pretty good, by the way.

Practice was always right after school, so we would need to change out of school clothes and into gym clothes. Every girl on my team got changed right in the locker room. I didn’t. I went into a bathroom stall because I thought my teammates would make fun of me for my body. It wasn’t until junior year that I got sick and tired of using the bathroom stall and finally changed in the locker room, just like the rest of my team. And to my surprise, no one made a comment about my stomach or my stretch marks. I was baffled, because people had always made fun of me for my body, so to have teammates that didn’t care what I looked like and simply value me as a teammate was mind-blowing.

When I entered college, I was nervous about making friends and fitting in. While in high school, I was fairly well-known for my involvements in sports, student council, choir, etc. In college, I quickly found out that what you did in high school didn’t matter anymore here. No one cared that I was class vice president. No one cared that I was in the Top Ten of my class. People were going to care about what I presented to them on the first few days of meeting them. This worried me because I didn’t think that anyone would be able to look past my weight. In high school, I eventually was able to avoid that because people valued me for my leadership abilities. In college, it was completely different.

I had two great roommates my freshman year, who never made me feel like I wasn’t beautiful or that I was “the ugly duckling”. Although they were both much, much smaller than I was, they never made me feel bad because of my weight. Same goes for the wonderful friends I made on my floor. No one ever made me feel like I was different. No one ever singled me out for my appearance. No one ever made me feel inferior because of what I looked like. This was so important to have in my first year, because it set an expectation for the remainder of college.

I met my amazing boyfriend my freshman year and he has certainly changed my life. I never, ever thought that I would find someone who loves me for ALL of me. I know I have a great sense of humor, I’m caring, I’m compassionate, etc. But I also know that I’m big. I’d never really had attention from guys until this point, so it was very uncomfortable for me at first to be around someone who genuinely liked me for me. I’ve said it time and time again—I treasure and cherish Andrew so much, because he makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. I always believed that I didn’t deserve to be loved by a man, but when I met Andrew, that all quickly changed. Andrew saw my flaws and didn’t let them get in the way of loving me. He has given me so much throughout our three years together and he has helped me to believe that I am worth something.

I’m now one of the most confident people you will probably ever meet. I’m not cocky; I just simply know what I’m best at and what I am not, but I choose to focus on the best parts. I know that I am a good leader. I know that I have the ability to capture an audience. I know that others see my passion for my job and for my family. I know that they don’t see me because of my weight.

I’ve learned that being “the big girl” isn’t the end of the world. If “fat” is the worst thing someone can call me, then I’m a pretty damn good person. I’d rather be called “fat” than vindictive or manipulative.

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