Self-injury means different things to different people; it serves different purposes. For me, it was something to calm the emotional hurricanes in my head, to get what I was feeling on the inside, outside. I couldn’t escape my head, but I thought I could at least stop the storm temporarily.

Self-injury can be an addictive habit, and I soon felt trapped in it. I would escape it for some time, but simple things like songs on the radio and phrases said in passing were triggering and brought the desire to self-injure back. Some still do. I would draw graphic pictures in my notebooks and draw all over my arms, trying to not self-harm. But I always ended up back in the bathroom with that razor. I thought I would never come back from that, from all the mistakes I had made in my life.

But the important thing is I am trying too.

Recovery from anything is a process, which for me personally involves many sessions of therapy and psychiatric medication. I still struggle—but I am getting stronger. I am living, and I am staying safe.

This recovery is possible for everyone. It’ll look different for each person, but it is possible. I recover and relapse and fall and rise over and over, but the only thing I can do is hold onto hope.

One of the many coping mechanisms I have been taught is to “Ride the Wave,” which is basically the idea that emotional storms come, but we can ride the waves and eventually the storm will calm. There were a lot of days when I thought that was one of the stupidest things I had ever heard—just complete garbage. But once again, I was wrong. As hard is it can be to believe, the storm does calm. That doesn’t mean that the tide is not going to rise again, but it shows that hope is on that horizon.

I write to you now as I am still in recovery. I am still trying to see what is worth living about this life. But everyday God takes the time to remind me that my recovery is real and happening, and it’s worth fighting to stay alive—because I matter. We all matter. (I can say this because this moment as I am sitting writing is a hopeful moment. I acknowledge that even as short as an hour later the tide could suck me back in)

But for now, I want to remind you of the same thing.

If you struggle, you are not alone. Self-injury does not define you. No struggle will ever define you; your story is more than that. You deserve freedom from this pain. You are beautiful, wonderful, incredible, and inspiring. Lovely and lovable. I was graced with caring friends and an amazing church family that has walked with me on this path to recovery. I know there are people who want to walk with you too.

The entire month of March is designated as Self-Injury Awareness Month. I encourage everyone to take this opportunity to talk about self-injury and mental health. Ask the questions everyone else is afraid to ask. Talk about it in a way that is accurate and respectful.

Self-Injury Awareness is about remembering that we all have different pains in our lives—there’s simply no way to avoid that. But in our hearts, we are the same, and we have been given the gift of going through life with others. We are human, and we exist in this human family. We are not alone in this life.

As a final thought, if you are someone who struggles to identify with Self Harm Awareness, I want you to think about this, I believe Jamie Tworkowski says it best:

“I believe that self-injury is a form of coping. It is using pain to deal with pain. People are after relief and release when they do it. If that is true, than the heart of the matter is not the behavior. It’s the reason for the behavior. The problem is pain. So perhaps the million-dollar question is “What do we do with our pain” We all answer that question in our own ways. We respond to our pain. We cope.

Drugs and alcohol.

Porn and sex

Anger and violence.

Eating and not eating

Netflx and Internet

Friends and Community

Counseling and treatment

I [Jamie] never taken a razor blade to my skin, but I’ve certainly hurt myself/ I’ve never cut myself, but I don’t think I’m very different from someone who has “

The point of adding this in, is to say that we all have skeletons in our closet, crosses to bear. Maybe self-harm isn’t such a black-and-white issue after all. We’re all human and we all encounter loss and pain and longing and questions.

So the question moves to “Now what do I do with that?

I believe it gets a whole lot easier when we simply begin to go there. To admit we’re human. We all have our stuff. Maybe in that place we can begin to relate to each other. To walk together towards healing.

You are not alone.