“If you feel like you’ve reached the end of the road, I’m always gonna lead you home”
In the past week my hometown has been struck by tragedy; the hearts of the people we love are filled with ache due to losing a kind soul. There isn’t a right thing to say, there aren’t any answers, no one to blame, and there is no cure to the pain we are feeling. I don’t know if this will end with being a thank you to my hometown, for always pulling together and weathering the storm of tragedy or a letter of apologies to my sweet friend who is gone too soon.
Sunday, July 31st, the lives that were touched by my friend changed forever. He was a person who never knew a stranger, a friend that was always cracking jokes to make you laugh and had a goofy smile you could always count on seeing. In the past week, I have checked in on his best friends to let them know I am always here. I have held my baby brother as he mourned the lose of a good friend. I have sat with a sweet family, who has a long journey ahead of them. I have prayed for his family, hoping they find peace, in the most trying time of life. In the past week, I myself have mourned the lose of a friend that was so good to me, praying I could have been a little better for him… That’s the worst about not having answers. The feeling of helplessness, grasping for reasons, clinging to the hope that you have left, is something we will all deal with as we grieve. The ‘what ifs’ can eat you alive, so please don’t let them, its hard to understand and its hard to follow through with, but don’t blame yourself because there isn’t anyone to blame.
If you live in a small town, you probably know the feeling of security that my little town has, especially in the light of tragedy. We rally together, making sure our own are okay, holding anyone in sight as tightly as they need to be held. We pull together, send up thousands of prayers, reach out to those that were affected the most and love fiercely. Thank you, hometown, for being as sweet as you are. The place we all cant wait to get out of as teenagers, but the one place we know we will always have a support system filled with family and friends. So, thank you hometown, for being a place that always welcomes us back with open arms, I just wish it wasn’t in this situation, one where we need you more than you need us. Thank you.
To my fellow classmates of the graduating class of 2015, whether he was someone you talked to everyday, a friend who gave you a smile in the hallway, or just a fellow classmate, this affects you. I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling right now, it’s a feeling we shouldn’t have to know at our young ages. I’m sorry if this isn’t the first time you’ve experienced such a strong heartache, but there is something I want you to know. Whether we were friends in the hallways of JCHS, just acquaintances or classmates who just smiled as we past in the hallway. I am always here for you; please don’t feel as though you are alone, because you aren’t. I will always have an open door, whether you need someone to talk to or someone to sit in silence with you while you cry, I will be there. Anytime and anywhere, just know that you aren’t alone. Our sweet friend affected us all in different ways, I used to hate when he would give me grief and teasingly make fun of me, but I would give anything to hear it one more time. He always welcomed us with a goofy smile and something to make us laugh, the least we can do, in memory of him, is reflect within ourselves his goofy demeanor. Let him live on through all those who he has affected.
To my friend, I am so sorry. I’m sorry that we didn’t see how much pain you were in, that you felt this was the only way to take away your demons. I want to be angry with you. I want you to come back to us. But when I think of you in your final moments, I am overwhelmed with only sadness and a stifling heaviness knowing you made the decision based on what you thought was the only solution. I want to be angry with God for taking a beautiful soul away from those who needed you. But I cant be mad when I know he wrapped his arms around you and took away all your pain that was too much for you. I know that there is no one to blame, but you can’t blame us for feeling our own regrets, after all we are only human. I’m sorry for failing you, I’m sorry for not asking how you had been the other day at the gas station instead we just talked about meaningless stuff. I am sorry for not being a better friend, I am just so sorry and I hope you know that. I hope you see how many lives you impacted with your time on earth, maybe if we all took our time to tell each other those things; you would still be with us. We could wake up from the nightmare that’s consumed us for the last week. I wish you would have known that you had somewhere to turn, in every single corner, there was someone on your side. I’m sorry. There aren’t enough words to write on how much you impacted our community, we will cherish the short amount of time you gave us and never stop talking about the memories. I’m sorry we failed you. Thank you for being a good friend to us. I don’t know how to say goodbye, so ill just say ‘see you later’ because we will all be reunited with you one day. Watch out for us please. I’ll see you someday, my friend, and until then I will keep an eye on those still here that you touched in your life.
“Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I’ll miss you until we meet again.”
If you’re reading this and you feel like you have nowhere to turn, please, know that you do. There are people rooting for you, you are important. No one is aware of all the lives they’ve touched until it is too late. Know that there is help out there.. You are enough.
I want to wake up and you still be here. I want the power to take away everyone’s pain that is currently hurting; I wish I could have taken away your pain. I’ll see you again, my dear friend, but until then our days will be long and our hearts heavy just help up us cope with the heartache we are all feeling. And once again, I am sorry that I couldn’t have done anything more.
See you later, my friend.
“I woke up this morning and I heard the news/ I know the pain of a heartbreak/ I don’t have answers and neither do you/ I know the pain of a heartbreak”
