When it comes to dating, one of the most common dilemmas I hear about is that people miss the mark with being attractive to others, or at least the people they want to attract.
I get asked "Why don't the people I like, like me back?" or "I feel like I get rejected because I'm not sexy enough. Is it just them or is it me?" Truthfully, in those moments I always struggle between telling them to just be themselves and the right person will come along eventually or giving them specific counsel on what to do to be more appealing, even if that meant they had to change something about themselves.
However, I recently discovered the ultimate book that helped me with answers I was struggling to articulate to others. "The Game of Desire: 5 Surprising Secrets to Dating with Dominance and Getting What You Want" by Shannon Boodram, world-renowned, clinical sexologist, blessed me with the keys to unlock the code of seduction. In chapter six, she puts her personal spin on the "Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene and reminds us that while most people have one or two seduction styles they have naturally, "exceptionally good lovers understand the importance of all the styles." (Boodram 109)
Boodram encourages her readers to remix the content by putting what she wrote into our own words and giving it our personal twist, so I took it upon myself to do just that.
Here is my adaption of the 9 seduction styles:
The jaw/panty dropper.
I personally refer to this term as "the vixen." This type of person walks into a room and suddenly all eyes are captivated on them due to their sexually charged energy. They are the embodiment of charm and sex appeal, but so much so that they always seem out of reach. Boodram mentions that Marilyn Monroe is a great example of this seducer. I'd also like to add George Clooney to the list.
TIP: To ace this seduction style, incorporate light touch into your flirtation and embrace your sexual energy.
I like to call this term "the dichotomy" because it represents a seduction style that teases between two contrasting character traits. Their ability to seduce may start with the perfect words to say, but at the same time, there's something more intriguing and almost devilish beyond the surface that keeps people hooked. Boodram makes note of Selena Gomez as a great modern-day example since she "bounces expertly between sweet as heaven and sexy as hell." (Boodram 109)
The kindness killa.
I usually call this "the ideal lover" as coined in Robert Greene's "Art of Seduction" to help recall what kind of seducer this is. This person is someone you know you can take back home to meet your parents without any hesitation. They're not only polite, but they're agreeable, which just so happens to be the number one trait that determines the success of long-term relationships (Boodram 110)." Boodram refers to Michelle Obama and Tom Hanks as exemplary kindness killas.
This seducer is the life of the party and manifests freedom and liveliness in a way that is contagious and makes other people desire the same amount of liberation for themselves. Boodram mentions Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Ellen DeGeneres as examples of this. In addition to these celebrities, I think Russell Brand is a prime example of that free-spirited energy that attracts others.
The zero fucks.
I typically go with calling this casanova "The natural" as Robert Greene originally described in his book. The striking thing about this type of seducer is they're playful and unapologetic. They're almost child-like and not in an immature way, but rather in a way that makes others want to rally behind them due to their spontaneity and unpretentiousness. Boodram lists Channing Tatum and Chrissy Teigen as modern-day examples. I'd like to add Miley Cyrus on that list.
For my own personal twist, I call this "The enigma." This person entices others through their ambiguous nature. This can equally be in terms of a gender-neutral style and an indefinite personality. Either way, their self-sufficient and unfixed aura is irresistible to others. Boodram specifies Prince and Ruby Rose. I'd like to make some honorable mentions to David Bowie and Grace Jones.
TIP: To excel in this seduction style, leave it up to others to be socially acceptable. You, however, will mirror both the feminine and masculine psyche.
This person's reputation speaks for itself and everyone is waiting for their opportunity to domesticate the beast. They attract people by making their target the center of attention so they feel as though they're the only one in the player's heart despite all the disputed rumors. Jesse Metcalfe's portrayal of John Tucker in "John Tucker Must Die" is the perfect symbol of a player. As for real life, Boodram mentions Drake as an example in her book.
This person is not only supportive in a way that makes you believe you can accomplish your wildest dreams and maximize your highest potential. I personally call this "The cheerleader," but Oprah is definitely a public figure that appeals to others by the way she motivates them. Another example of "The Oprah" are former presidents, Barack Obama and John F. Kennedy.
The "it" factor.
Someone with this seduction style has the quality that shines bright like a diamond, and people can't exactly put their finger on what that quality is, but it's visible for sure. They're attractive because they have a mythical essence that is also intertwined with human-like qualities. Elizabeth Taylor, Jeff Goldblum, Michael Jackson, and Beyoncé are all larger than life examples of those who have "it," whatever that is.
All things considered, dating is like a game and if you truly want to win a game, you have to practice and perfect your strategy. You wouldn't tell someone who is trying out for the Dallas Cowboys' cheerleading squad for the third year in a row to keep doing exactly what they've done two years prior, right? Of course not.
You wouldn't tell a grad student on the brink of flunking a class to hang in there and eventually it'll click even though you're aware that they sit in the back row of the class and never take notes, right? Definitely not.
So if you notice there's a disconnect in your dating life, put in the effort to switch things up starting with the way you allure others.
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