Seasonal Depression Is Real

Seasonal Depression Is A Real Thing

It's not a joke and it actually sucks.

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We've all heard of the term "seasonal depression", but I feel like people act like it's just a joke and not a real thing that people struggle with.

I feel like people get seasonal depression confused with when it gets cold in the winter, and you feel sad because it's not warm out anymore. Seasonal depression is a lot worse than just getting "a little sad" because it's cold out.

Seasonal depression hits you in November when it's starting to get cold, and that makes you feel depressed, irritable, anxious, and lonely. You start to lose interest in things you used to enjoy, have mood swings, a lack of concentration, maybe some weight gain from eating your feelings or a lack of appetite, and you either sleep too much or too little.

Seasonal depression is a real thing and it's actually quite common. It absolutely sucks. You want to feel better but, ironically, many of the things that usually make you feel better won't work because, in order to do them, it needs to be warmer outside. So, you just have to wait it out and be sad until March.

Not only does seasonal depression kick in this time of year, but this is also the time of year that your schedule gets really crazy and finals are just around the corner, so you have assignments due in all of your classes.

This time of year, your classes want you to put all your time into them when you don't even feel motivated enough to get out of bed.

Over the years, I've learned some things that make me happy and forget my stress and depression. Some things I like to do are write, paint, read, drink coffee, sleep, hang out with friends, watch YouTube videos, listen to music, and clean my room.

The activities that make me feel better are things that I can do from the comfort of my own bed. I don't have to put much effort to do them. They're just chill activities that I enjoy doing. Sometimes, when I'm feeling somewhat motivated, I will clean my room. Having a clean room makes me feel more organized and like I have my shit together, even though I am not and I do not.

Seasonal depression isn't fun and it can take a toll on you. Just like figuring out what helps your anxiety, there's a process to making yourself feel better on your bad days. Remember not to get discouraged because it's all trial and error, but you WILL find a way to fight through this.

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

From an outside perspective, suicidal thoughts are rarely looked into deeper than the surface level. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is that people live in between those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead.

You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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