I haven't always believed in God, I'm going to be honest. It has been a journey since I was just a little kid. I saw a lot of things at a young age and I wondered how such a great God existed. My parents were very liberal in their beliefs and also in their parenting, so they encouraged me to find my own way, my own answers. I never took faith or religion lightly. I wanted to know the truth. So I sought out different religions. I experimented in different faiths. I attended different churches. And along the way, I fell in love with Jesus.

I can admit, my first years as a Christian were absolutely amazing. I felt the Holy Spirit working in me. I felt like I had a calling and a reason for living. I felt connected in a way I had never experienced before. I would sing worship songs in church and I would get goosebumps and it would bring me to tears. My life really changed in those instances and I honestly never thought things would be different. I would be this same person forever. I would feel happy and stable because I finally found solid ground to stand on and it was Jesus. But what I didn't know, was that God had a different plan than mine. He wasn't finished with me yet. He wanted to help me grow even more. He wanted me to really understand what it meant to be a loving human being, so He let my faith fall away.

First of all, it is important to note that I did not accept His challenge happily and my loss of faith came painfully. I experienced some major challenges in life and I started to notice an inner deep discomfort. I also became frustrated with other Christians because I was seeing things that were not out of love. People being cruel and hateful and saying they were speaking on behalf of God. It made me so incredibly sad that I started resenting other Christians. I became angry and then filled with bitterness, which later turned into shame. I would ask myself, “Lord! Why is this happening to me? Don't you love me?” while my world continued to feel shaken and my heart felt numb. I was drowning and I knew it. I was drowning and I didn't see help anywhere. Well, sometimes God allows us to suffer. He hates to see us in pain, but he also knows the greater outcome. Even though I didn't see it, God still had a plan.

It took me a long time to forgive myself for my bitterness towards God, but I began to realize that God honors my questioning. God understands my unbelief and yet He will never fail me. So I started my best at trusting Him again. After all, my biggest prayer has always been, “Lord, teach me your ways. Show me who you are. Correct me if I am wrong. Show me how to love like you”. Am I supposed to question God's answers? Am I supposed to question God's ways? God so loved us that He never gives us less. But sometimes our blessings come through pain and our lessons come through hard work, and there is no way around it.

Loving God and following Him is a lifelong journey. We are not perfect and I think we forget that sometimes. We feel insecure when we doubt Him, but doubt is a part of life. And usually through our doubting, we become wiser and our beliefs gain clarity. God calls us to be the best we can be, and sometimes our character needs sharpening. Sometimes we need to change, whether we'd like to or not. All God really wants is for us to love ourselves and love everyone else too. It can be hard at times, but there is no finish line in life, just growing. I like to say, “just be love”. With everything that you do, do it with love. Amen.