1. "Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?"

He says this in season 1 because he's proud of himself. This quote REALLY was douchebag worthy and should have made him $10 poorer. This would probably be a super clever caption for a birthday insta post, a promotion post, or even just how "lucky of a man he is" post because he got the girl, and wound up with an adorable daughter.

2. "I love mango chutney, uh, really any type of chutney"

Schmidt says chutney a lot more than the average person does and he doesn't just say it like it's actually pronounced. No, he says it in his own unique Schmidt way like "chuht- uhh-nee". No one knows why he says it like this, and no one questions why after a couple of times. It just sounds so much funnier and I think I'm going to start saying it the way he does, satirically of course.

3. "Merry ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’ "

Since Schmidt is Jewish, he does not celebrate Christmas and hates it because that's when he knows Hannukah is over. He would probably post him and his friends, who all celebrate Christmas, he has something like a Hannukah sweater on, while everyone else has an ugly Christmas sweater on around a Christmas tree. Let's just hope no one will remember the time all of them screamed at the top of their lungs at a neighborhood filled with unlit, very, (very) decorated houses until they all turned them on for Jess.

4. "Sig oths"

Shortened from "significant others", because he is on a "tight sched". This would probably be a caption when Cece and Schmidt become official with a caption like "we official sig oths, biotches" because Schmidt WOULD be the person to say biotches. Shortening words is a signature Schmidt move and we all kinda wanna do it because he make word shortening cool again.

5. "So scrummy!"

A combination of scrumptious and yummy, he's seen eating a whole serving plate of sushi. I think anyone would describe sushi as scrummy though, lets be real here. He's obvs out to eat with Cece, eating sushi or something else worth the "scrummy" name. This caption is DEFINITELY worthy of $20 in the douchebag jar.

6. "I'm a squirrel. You're my nut"

Let's be frank here and admit to ourselves that Schmecece (A name I just came up with that represents Cece and Schmidt's everlasting love) was meant to be from episode 1 and we all saw it coming when they got married and had a cute little daughter. This would be captioned under a picture of Ruth and/or Cece. (The rest of this quote is "Winter's coming, I'm going to store you in my cheek girl", and although this sounds a bit ridiculous and you would think it would be a quote that is Douchebag jar worthy, it's quite endearing coming from someone like Schmidt.

7. "So Nectar"

Apparently it's 'a volleyball term" but we're pretty sure he made it up on the spot. It's not officially defined, but I think it means "sweet" meaning like "so cool". Another New Girl caption worthy to put under your post.

8. "Friday night, gentleman. It's on."

A boy's night out post, but it's probably just at Nick's Bar and because they all have families, it's one of the few nights they are back to the old days, still in the loft and still young and eager enough to play True American.

9. "Hashtag Excitement"

This could literally be captioned under ANYTHING! Like when Nick and Jess finally get married, or even the smallest of things like Ruth losing her first tooth

10. "This is when I was experimenting with faux hawks."

the idea of faux hawks and Schmidt having one should just have him put money in the douchebag jar. Maybe even putting the picture of him with a faux hawk in there.

11. "Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty and Paxil."

A kind of "treat yourself" post because Schmidt is not afraid to show off how strong his masculinity is and to also have a bit of fun with self-care and face masks.

12. "Curly Sue! Lets do this."

Like I said, Schmidt is a lowkey softy, and he's not afraid to show it. That means he ACTUALLY wants to watch the soft and sad movies with you, and he loves them just as much as you do.

13. "Judaism son!"

This would probably be a picture of his daughter learning about Judaism, or Cece converting, or him breaking the glass at his wedding, uh which happened to be the DOUCHEBAG JAR. Judaism son!!

14. "If your annual moisturizer budget doesn't contain a comma then you're doing it wrong"

This is definitely him buying his moisturizer or him doing his daily routine of moisturizer, and under the picture, there would definitely be everyone saying "Douchbag jar".

15. "We built this Schmidty on Tootsie Rolls"

Another throwback picture of fat Schmidt and he would be eating Tootsie Rolls. Originally to the tune of "We Built this City" by Starship, instead of "We built this city on Rock and Roll" the "Rock and Roll" was replaced with "Tootsie Rolls". Yes it's a fat joke that was started in college, and yes he's now over that part in his life so he is over it.

16. "Bros ever before the ho"

A picture of him, Nick, and Winston and Cece would definitely comment something regarding his caption like "You're sleeping on the couch tonight"

17. "Look at that. Look at your beauty. With your hair. I'd eat it out of a bowl."

To make up for what he said in the caption before, he tries this line on Cece because he can't survive with himself if he actually makes Cece mad. And because Cece is a dime and also such a good mother.

18. "I just wanna come home, put on my 'mono and just hang lose, man"

'Mono (noun)- A kimono, shortened name by Winston (this name shouldn't come as a shock to you) Schmidt, worn in Season 1, Episode 4 "Naked".

Yes 'mono is short for kimono and yes he has "a little bit of sunshine" between him and the chair. When you work 80 hours a week, you would understand too Winston.

19. "We made a caramel miracle"

Maybe this isn't a douchebag worthy quote, but this is also one of the sweetest things he had said. Cece had a pregnancy scare and instead of being scared, or acting like a jerk, he steps up and says some pretty sweet things. See, I think for the things he said to Cece a lot of the times, because he had feelings for her from day 1, he should have taken money out of the douchebag jar because it kind of canceled it out in a way. Do you get what I'm saying?

20. "Medieval Filth Cauldron" 

If you have never watched New Girl, or don't remember what Schmidt is referencing, let me remind you that he is talking about a bathtub. Yes, Schmidt hates baths and loves sharing his hatred with his friends about it. Since Schmidt is so against bathtubs, you would think he would forbid anyone from bathing, but for his daughter Ruth, it's cute because she makes a bubble beard and plays with her bath toys. That's what his post would be and it's the only exception for baths.