20 Schmidt Quotes As Instagram Captions
Start writing a post
popular

20 Schmidt Quotes Most Likely To Turn Into His Instagram Captions

Definitely don't read this if you haven't watched all 7 seasons!

12307
20 Schmidt Quotes Most Likely To Turn Into His Instagram Captions

If you've watched "New Girl," it's extremely likely Schmidt quickly became your favorite character. Though he says some pretty ridiculous things, he's lovable and romantic, and funny. Throughout season 1-5, he says some pretty ridiculous things that are pretty douchebag jar worthy quotes. He retires the douchebag jar in season 5 when he steps on it as he kisses his bride at his wedding.

Nonetheless, the "douchey" things Schmidt says in the "New Girl Universe" are unbelievably funny as we're watching them on screen. Max Greenfield, who plays Schmidt, does have an Instagram but is definitely NOT the same person as Schmidt. Even though we love both the real Max Greenfield and Schmidt, it would be hilarious if Schmidt had an Instagram. What would he take pictures of and most of all what would his captions be (because everyone knows that a caption could make or break your post)?


1. "Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?"

Giphy

He says this in season 1 because he's proud of himself. This quote REALLY was douchebag worthy and should have made him $10 poorer. This would probably be a super clever caption for a birthday insta post, a promotion post, or even just how "lucky of a man he is" post because he got the girl, and wound up with an adorable daughter.

2. "I love mango chutney, uh, really any type of chutney"

Giphy

Schmidt says chutney a lot more than the average person does and he doesn't just say it like it's actually pronounced. No, he says it in his own unique Schmidt way like "chuht- uhh-nee". No one knows why he says it like this, and no one questions why after a couple of times. It just sounds so much funnier and I think I'm going to start saying it the way he does, satirically of course.

In his insta post, he'd probably be cooking something with chutney (chuht- uhh-nee if you want to over-pronounce like Schmidt), whatever you put chutney in.

3. "Merry ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’ "

Giphy

Since Schmidt is Jewish, he does not celebrate Christmas and hates it because that's when he knows Hannukah is over. He would probably post him and his friends, who all celebrate Christmas, he has something like a Hannukah sweater on, while everyone else has an ugly Christmas sweater on around a Christmas tree. Let's just hope no one will remember the time all of them screamed at the top of their lungs at a neighborhood filled with unlit, very, (very) decorated houses until they all turned them on for Jess.

4. "Sig oths"

Giphy

Shortened from "significant others", because he is on a "tight sched". This would probably be a caption when Cece and Schmidt become official with a caption like "we official sig oths, biotches" because Schmidt WOULD be the person to say biotches. Shortening words is a signature Schmidt move and we all kinda wanna do it because he make word shortening cool again.

5. "So scrummy!"

Giphy

A combination of scrumptious and yummy, he's seen eating a whole serving plate of sushi. I think anyone would describe sushi as scrummy though, lets be real here. He's obvs out to eat with Cece, eating sushi or something else worth the "scrummy" name. This caption is DEFINITELY worthy of $20 in the douchebag jar.

6. "I'm a squirrel. You're my nut"

Giphy

Let's be frank here and admit to ourselves that Schmecece (A name I just came up with that represents Cece and Schmidt's everlasting love) was meant to be from episode 1 and we all saw it coming when they got married and had a cute little daughter. This would be captioned under a picture of Ruth and/or Cece. (The rest of this quote is "Winter's coming, I'm going to store you in my cheek girl", and although this sounds a bit ridiculous and you would think it would be a quote that is Douchebag jar worthy, it's quite endearing coming from someone like Schmidt.

7. "So Nectar"

Giphy

Apparently it's 'a volleyball term" but we're pretty sure he made it up on the spot. It's not officially defined, but I think it means "sweet" meaning like "so cool". Another New Girl caption worthy to put under your post.

8. "Friday night, gentleman. It's on."

Giphy

A boy's night out post, but it's probably just at Nick's Bar and because they all have families, it's one of the few nights they are back to the old days, still in the loft and still young and eager enough to play True American.

9. "Hashtag Excitement"

Giphy

This could literally be captioned under ANYTHING! Like when Nick and Jess finally get married, or even the smallest of things like Ruth losing her first tooth

10. "This is when I was experimenting with faux hawks."

Giphy

the idea of faux hawks and Schmidt having one should just have him put money in the douchebag jar. Maybe even putting the picture of him with a faux hawk in there.

11. "Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty and Paxil."

If you can't hear him saying "ALL DAY", then I suggest you watch more New Girl

Giphy

A kind of "treat yourself" post because Schmidt is not afraid to show off how strong his masculinity is and to also have a bit of fun with self-care and face masks.

12. "Curly Sue! Lets do this."

Giphy

Like I said, Schmidt is a lowkey softy, and he's not afraid to show it. That means he ACTUALLY wants to watch the soft and sad movies with you, and he loves them just as much as you do.

13. "Judaism son!"

Giphy

This would probably be a picture of his daughter learning about Judaism, or Cece converting, or him breaking the glass at his wedding, uh which happened to be the DOUCHEBAG JAR. Judaism son!!

14. "If your annual moisturizer budget doesn't contain a comma then you're doing it wrong"

Giphy

This is definitely him buying his moisturizer or him doing his daily routine of moisturizer, and under the picture, there would definitely be everyone saying "Douchbag jar".

15. "We built this Schmidty on Tootsie Rolls"

Giphy

Another throwback picture of fat Schmidt and he would be eating Tootsie Rolls. Originally to the tune of "We Built this City" by Starship, instead of "We built this city on Rock and Roll" the "Rock and Roll" was replaced with "Tootsie Rolls". Yes it's a fat joke that was started in college, and yes he's now over that part in his life so he is over it.

16. "Bros ever before the ho"

Giphy

A picture of him, Nick, and Winston and Cece would definitely comment something regarding his caption like "You're sleeping on the couch tonight"

17. "Look at that. Look at your beauty. With your hair. I'd eat it out of a bowl."

Face it, Cece and Schmidt are forever! (Even if they're both fictional characters, it's fine)

Giphy

To make up for what he said in the caption before, he tries this line on Cece because he can't survive with himself if he actually makes Cece mad. And because Cece is a dime and also such a good mother.

18. "I just wanna come home, put on my 'mono and just hang lose, man"

Giphy

'Mono (noun)- A kimono, shortened name by Winston (this name shouldn't come as a shock to you) Schmidt, worn in Season 1, Episode 4 "Naked".

Yes 'mono is short for kimono and yes he has "a little bit of sunshine" between him and the chair. When you work 80 hours a week, you would understand too Winston.

19. "We made a caramel miracle"

Giphy

Maybe this isn't a douchebag worthy quote, but this is also one of the sweetest things he had said. Cece had a pregnancy scare and instead of being scared, or acting like a jerk, he steps up and says some pretty sweet things. See, I think for the things he said to Cece a lot of the times, because he had feelings for her from day 1, he should have taken money out of the douchebag jar because it kind of canceled it out in a way. Do you get what I'm saying?

20. "Medieval Filth Cauldron" 

Giphy

If you have never watched New Girl, or don't remember what Schmidt is referencing, let me remind you that he is talking about a bathtub. Yes, Schmidt hates baths and loves sharing his hatred with his friends about it. Since Schmidt is so against bathtubs, you would think he would forbid anyone from bathing, but for his daughter Ruth, it's cute because she makes a bubble beard and plays with her bath toys. That's what his post would be and it's the only exception for baths.

From Your Site Articles
Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
https://unsplash.com/photos/XdbUsFkAwqA

If you're like me, by this time of year you're over summer. The beach, the sunshine, and the heat were all great, but now we're itching for blanket scarves, football, and pumpkin spice EVERYTHING! As the new season approaches, your relationship can benefit from some old traditional dates and some new fresh ideas! Here are a couple great date ideas for you and your boo to try out this fall.

Keep Reading... Show less
Student Life

Social Media Or Soul Media

To the generation that cares way too much about affirmation.

1941
Emma Smith
  • This semester I am taking the ever so famous class, Writing 101. Walking into it, I had heard the horror stories about each major assignment. I have to admit, it’s not a class that I am fond of. But, major assignment #2 got me thinking, we had to create a research question based off of a topic that we are interested in.

Two weeks prior, I watched a very interesting documentary on Netflix. Miss Representation was recommended to me by one of my friends and I have to say the topic is absolutely mind blowing. Social Media and Female Body Image. How Social Media makes girls see this unnatural perfection of ‘beauty’ that really doesn’t exist. But female body image isn’t the only thing affected by social media.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Sex And The Church

A letter to fellow believers.

3593
Amanda Hayes
  • I know many of you just read that title and thought it was scandalous to see something so “risque” in the same setting as something holy. Well guess what – sex is part of that. Everyone seems to think they are separate, which makes since because most people treat them as though they are complete polar opposites. Shall we think this through?

Who created the Church body? God. Who created the body? Also God. If we know God to be the creator of all things, we cannot leave sex out of that equation. God created sex, people! Praise Him! Like all great things, the world has twisted and perverted it. The world has stained it so badly that even many church congregations see it only as stained and keep quiet about that part of God’s word. Many people know that God told Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28), but a lot of people overlook the entirety of Song of Solomon. The entire book is dedicated to telling of the love and sex between man and wife. God blessed us with the gift of intimacy, one to be shared between husband and wife. Church if we teach of sex as the blessing that it is, more people will start treating it as such. If we stop viewing sex as this unspeakable act, the temptation would be lessened. With the fall of man, humans naturally desire things they should not have. So if more people speak of it with gladness and praise, and do not hide it in the darkness as if it were vile, fewer people would be drawn to it for the wrong reasons. More people would appreciate it for what it is: a gift from God.

Keep Reading... Show less
Tumblr

Chick-fil-A, I love you.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

An open letter to my father

What you did sounds dumb to me

3678
An open letter to my father
The Truth About My Parents' Divorce

Considering im 18 now & you're one of the best men i've ever met since you have a child; me. I want you to know that I love you, more than anyone, I love you. I don't forgive you for the way you hurt my mother. I'm hurt because you broke our family. Thing went down hill the day you found Laquita. You we're distant & shortly after my mother turned into the coldest, saddest women to walk past me. She's my best friend & so are you. Not one day goes by where I don't wonder what she did wrong. How on earth could you trade your family & the women who loved you unconditionally for a home wrecker? Sounds dumb to me.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments