I was constantly laughing throughout watching "New Girl," which is a direct result of the hilarity of Schmidt and his ridiculous behavior.
The purpose of the douche-bag jar, which resides in the middle of the loft living room, is to help correct Schmidt's behavior, similar to a "Swear Jar." He is supposed to put money in the jar for anything he says or does that is considered douchebaggery. Infractions are typically worth one dollar but have been worth up to $50, at the discretion of his roommates. The jar, however, is mostly ineffective, as Schmidt takes pride in everything he does that warrants an infraction, and he proudly puts money into the jar.
1. Girl, I'mma marry you.
This is the only "douche-bag" quote that matters throughout the entire series of "New Girl."
2. Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere.
Schmidt embodies all of us when we can't find the right shoes.
3. Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?
Schmidt embraces the struggle we all feel when trying to accessorize our laptops.
4. Guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat?
It sucks putting on the perfect outfit and not being able to find a good (pea) coat that can go over it.
5. If someone were to blow on my nipples, I would positively scream
We've all been there.
6. We'll just break out the backup china!
In case of a normal china disaster, break out the backup.
7. I had figure skating lessons until I was thirteen, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.
As a child, we played every sport known to man until we found one that clicked.
8. It's like you're ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga.
This is the perfect line to say out loud when you're facing a mental roadblock and don't know which way to turn.
9. It's on a popping' up in here!
When you find a good outfit in the fitting room and come out to show all your friends.
10. Look... we're not trying to be mean, we just don't want you to be yourself... in any way.
Schmidt and Nick exemplify how to speak to a shy girl who needs to "hoe-it-up" after a bad breakup.
11. LLS. Ladies Love Schmidt.
LLS, Ladies Love Sarcasm.
12. I don't want some janky fresh-water bitch fish, Winston.
Planning for pet must take into consideration all of the possibilities.
13. Hashtag excitement
Hashtag I love everything.
14. This is friendship. Pure unadulterated friendship.
There is no better feeling than having your best friend scratch a place you can't reach.
15. Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons.
Unless they have a bath bomb or bubbles, then they're the best thing ever.
16. I love mango chutney, uh, really, any type of chutney.
The best part of trying to be ethnic and appreciate culture is obsessing over one specific type of food.
17. Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this, prison?
We all have the one friend who is an expert chef, and then there's the one who burns mac and cheese in the microwave.
18. We have a very weird style friendship where we kinda hate each other. We're broemies, it's my fremesis.
College class friendships: you both love and hate each other.
19. Nick and Jess break up and you spring this on me like... like it's a frigging weather report?
RIP Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, all of our hearts broke with you.
20. Can someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape.
Trying to describe where someone thing revolves around describing the most obscure object it is next to.
21. Folding chairs? Jess, if I wanted my wedding to be an AA meeting, I would've called my Aunt Terry.
Folding chairs? The most inexpensive seat besides a cardboard box.
22. They make shoes for your penis. They're called pants!
ATTENTION ALL COLLEGE BOYS: Pants exist! They should not sag below your knees.
23. Where in this recipe does it say "put mash potato on Schmidt's nose"?
We all know one person who follows all recipes to the exact wording of the book.
24. You need to pee on my face.
Spring Break 101: When you're drunk, and think stupid ideas are good.
25. Oh God, you're about to say something stupid aren't you? Girl, I'mma marry you.
And once more for the best quote in the entire series.