At the end of January, I came very close to ending my own life. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, and anyone who has suffered from any mental illness would likely agree that some days (or weeks, or even months or years) are significantly worse than others. Things had been getting progressively worse leading up to that night, and I very nearly reached my breaking point then.
Although I reached out to a crisis counselor through Crisis Text Line because I needed help that night, I can't say that I'm suddenly in a better place just because I'm not actively considering suicide right now. I'm in a really bad place right now, and I know that I'm not going to get better on my own, so I'm working on getting myself the help that I know I need.
Writing and publishing this article about my experience is not me looking for attention or hoping to hear from people words that they don't mean. I've made it clear to the people in my life that I don't want to be treated differently, like I'm fragile, because of what almost happened and what is currently going on, and I genuinely meant it. If I'm going to suffer through my mental illnesses, I want to be able to enjoy what I can with my friends and my family, and I can't do that if I'm being skirted around by everyone.
I may not know how to love myself, now more than ever, but I do know how to love the people in my life. I have so much love and appreciation for my love, my grandparents, my friends... even people I don't talk to often but who have reached out to me in light of everything. Even if I haven't been able to properly express my love or appreciation, know that I feel it.
If you or someone you love is suicidal, here are some important resources:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text 'Hello' to 741741, and standard messaging fees are waived on Verizon, AT&T, T-Mobile, and Sprint
LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564
The Trevor Project Lifeline: 866-488-7386