Believing in a god, let alone the God of Israel, has been a consistent challenge for me. My belief and trust in God have always been tested and scrutinized, mostly from my own questions and critical thinking.

One of the hangups I always come to is the idea of prayer.

Recently, I've been reading through Jesus' most famous sermon, the Sermon on the Mount (pretty much a power lecture on what is expected of those who live as followers of Jesus). His sermon describes a powerful way of life, including loving our own enemies, not sexually objectifying each other, and even giving to those in need without letting other people know about it.

One of the most challenging passages I've studied this summer has really convicted me, and I think for a lot of younger Christians going through the summer drought, this passage might convict you, too!

Jesus describes prayer (communicating with God) in a way that brings me a lot of hesitation. He says "Ask and it will be given to you... for everyone who asks receives" (Matthew 7:7-8, NIV).

Give me all the violent Bible verses from the Old Testament stories, show me the weird and even disturbing Hebrew poetry of the book of Psalms...because none of that is as challenging for me to confront and understand that this verse from Matthew!

I have often wondered how true these words of Jesus are. Obviously, the context of the verses matter: Jesus is talking to a crowd of people who are following Him, who are apart of the Kingdom of God, aligning their lives to the values and mission of God's.

But even with the context, the idea of prayer still scares me.

I know God can hear me, but what does it mean when He doesn't answer? Was I wrong to pray for something?

I think the most assuring thing I can do when I pray is realizing this: when I come before God with His Kingdom and intentions in mind, and have a heart postured towards desiring to live my life following the Way of Jesus, and I honestly, humbly ask for certain opportunities, gifts, chances, and such in light of all of that, He wants nothing more than to "give good gifts" to me (Matthew 7:11, NIV).

In fact, I would argue that if the things we are praying for are truly coming from a place of putting God first, He wants these things for us even more than we do!

I'm still scared when I pray daily, but it helps me to know that God is "my Father in heaven," who wants even better things for me and others that I can pray for! I can pray for a heart that forgives and loves others despite past hurts; I can pray for the world I live in to see peace and to experience harmony among nations; what humbles me is that God obviously wants these things more than I do!

So yeah, prayer scares me. Even though I ask for certain things, I'm always skeptical whether God will give me what I ask. Maybe my prayer won't be answered? I think prayer is way more complicated than we make it out to be: it often involves God expecting us to act and allow Him to influence and work through us. Sometimes He straight up doesn't answer our prayers.

I don't have any true answers for why this prayer thing is so scary and complicated. But it'd be sad if I let myself not pray, just because it simply scares me. I'd rather know I'm being obedient and not being answered, rather than choosing to be a total bum and not pray at all. I think that's what God truly cares about:

It's not about what or how much we get. He simply wants to see a heart that openly communicates desires, and seeks to be open and longing for Him.

And if that's the trajectory prayer puts me on as a person, maybe it's worth it scaring myself every day.