Jolly Twinkletoes, a spokeself for the government of the North Pole, told the press that “Unfortunately, a group of rogue elves had escaped our grittiest penitentiary a few years ago. We lost track of them for a year or so before realizing that they had infiltrated the American government.”

The elves had been convicted with sucking up cheer and causing a generally miserable time at the Workshop, where they were employed. In the North Pole, this is a crime with a maximum sentence of life in prison. There is no death sentence available for criminals ever since Santa became the Supreme Ruler of their government.

According to The Bureau of Infestivation, there were originally only 5 rogue elves that were found guilty (the others were acquitted). During their time in prison, however, they managed to amass a cult following amongst other hardened criminals. They and their gang broke out of The Cane, the harshest and only prison in the entire North Pole, a feat no man or elf had ever accomplished before. Twinkletoes was quoted as saying “Clearly, we were all stunned by their escape. This was a maximum security prison, reserved only for the masterminds behind heinous and unforgivable acts, the equivalent of your American Alcatraz. There were guards stationed every 20 feet, so the fact that this many elves were able to slip past them is a hideous oversight on our part.”

As for where they went, as Twinkletoes said, they had gone undetected for about a year, doing various odd jobs and disguising themselves as several extremely tall people in very long trench coats (the average elf is only about a foot tall). After getting bored with this, they decided to head to the United States to advance their agenda of general dissatisfaction and the sapping of cheer. They showed up just in time for the 2016 election cycle, and went to work straight away. After only a few months, it was shown that the entirety of both Congress and Senate was comprised of these elves, slowly leeching the happiness out of the public. While most elves thrive on the joy and laughter of children, it seems that these rogue elves enjoy watching other people collapse in despair at the utter pointlessness of it all.

The North Pole has yet to release a statement on how to get reign in these rogue elves, but it is agreed that something must be done quickly, for fear of spreading further misery.

*Disclaimer: This is a satirical short story, inspired by the Onion. This is meant for purely entertainment purposes and is not real news.*