I can still clearly remember the first time I was harassed by a male. When I was just 14 years old, I was walking to a friend’s house after school. My friend and I cut across the grass field by our school where there was coincidentally a group of eight to ten older boys sitting on the nearby bleachers, watching us.
It didn’t take long for the boys to start whistling at us, and eventually start yelling things out to us.
“Hey, I like your legs!” they yelled. “Come over here!”
My friend and I did our best to ignore the boys and continued on our way until we could no longer hear their hollering. Even though I had always heard about men harassing women, it was entirely different to experience it myself. To this day the confusion, embarrassment, and shame that one incident made me feel remains clear in my mind.
But boys will be boys, right? At least, that’s what we’re so often taught.
I wish I could say that was the only time that a man made me feel uncomfortable, but it’s something that I and just about every other woman in the world continue to face every day. Cat calls, honking car horns, prolonged stares, unwarranted flirtation, and stalking are just some of the ways that women are made to feel uneasy from male attention.
It can happen at any time or place, too. A few days ago I was taking a walk through my neighborhood, and during that short bit of time I got honked at by a stranger and had to speed walk past a group of guys who were watching me. It’s honestly so sad that as a woman, I can’t even take a walk in my quiet, suburban neighborhood without feeling fearful and uncomfortable.
It’s even worse in the city. I recently spent a day in San Francisco with my best friend, who regularly commutes to the city for classes. Almost as soon as we stepped out of the subway station, a man who looked to be about 50 came over and started trying to make conversation. I didn’t want to be rude, so I politely answered his questions despite my discomfort. “What’s your name? What brought you to the city? Where are you from?” he fired away.
I had been immediately unsettled by the man, but it became even worse when he started making aggressive advances. He asked for my phone number, and when I declined he asked me if I would go with him and go out to eat. I declined once more, but he persisted.
“Come on,” he said with an unnerving smile. “Come with me and I’ll take you out and treat you nice.” At this point I was completely disturbed, but I felt trapped and didn’t know what to do. Luckily, my street smart friend pulled me away abruptly and we took refuge in a nearby Sephora.
“Nat, if a guy talks to you like that you need to just ignore him,” she told me. I knew she was right, but at the time I had been worried about being rude. My friend had been to the city so often that she was accustomed to constant cat calls, remarks, and stalking from men. Even though I had experienced that at various times in my life as well, it’s something you can never get used to. Still, it’s an inevitable part of life for us.
As women, we are trained from a young age on how to deal with unwanted male attention. We are constantly told to travel in groups, avoid making eye contact, and decline or ignore any advances. From my experience, it seems like women are more often taught to be cautious and fearful of men than men are taught to be respectful and courteous to women.
Not only are we so often made to feel uncomfortable by male attention, but we are also often silenced and discredited when we speak out against it. It is incredibly frustrating to hear some men say that women are overly dramatic and that they exaggerate how severe the attention they get is.
In many cases, even the most well-intended and open-minded men can’t grasp the effect that all the unwarranted attention leaves. I have so often heard boys say, “You should be flattered that these guys think you’re cute and want to talk to you. It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal." What they can’t understand is the accompanying fear, uncertainty, embarrassment, and discomfort that women feel when they are so purely objectified.
It doesn’t matter if you are walking down a sketchy street in a tight dress, or if you are fully clothed walking through your neighborhood. No girl deserves to feel uncomfortable and scared in her daily life.
Perhaps one day women will be able to feel safe in any environment, but until then the sad truth is that we must continue to stick together, stay in well-lit areas, and attempt to ignore male harassment. It’s not a foolproof plan, but it’s the best we have.
