This is a story that some people don’t know about me. I want to tell you this story, not for myself, but so that just maybe it can help someone else. Life has a way of knocking you down sometimes. It truly is a roller coaster ride of events and you can choose to let those events shape you or break you. I will admit that when I was younger, I let it break me. I let it tear me up inside. Once I was in college, I realized that I didn’t have to let it stay that way.
I was only 14 years old when my world turned upside down. My dear uncle passed away. When he passed away, it was exactly like an actual piece of my heart went with him. The result of this was pretty bad. I felt worthless. I felt sad. I felt angry and confused. I became very distant and more introverted than normal. I stopped enjoying the activities that I used to enjoy like hanging out with my friends and even going to church. I spiraled even more out of control as I became distant from my mom, who is my biggest cheerleader. I fell into a deep depression. I will admit that along with feeling worthless, I attempted self-harm. I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way.
Fast forward to the end of high school and leading into college, I will admit that I was still torn up inside. I remember putting a fake smile on my face whenever someone asked me how I was doing and I would reply, “I’m fine.” In actuality, I was not fine at all. Every single smile on my face was a cry for help, yet I was too afraid to try and receive help with my issues. Along with a tragic loss, I was dealing with perfectionism, feeling unworthy and not feeling beautiful. I will admit that I actually hated myself. I know that hate is a very strong word, but I did. I hated myself for not being or looking like who I thought I should look like. I hated myself for not being able to help my uncle before he passed away. I hated myself for feeling like a burden to my mom, even though, deep down, I knew that I wasn't. This led to countless self-harm attempts because I did not feel worthy of this life. Each attempt felt like I deserved it. It felt like I was punishing myself.
It wasn’t until I met my college roommates and realized that I didn’t have to put on a fake smile anymore. I could be very real with them about my issues. I truly thank them for that open window. It also wasn’t until I was in college that I actually had the courage to get help for my issues. I admit, I was scared to go to counseling, but in the end, those sessions helped save my life.
For anyone reading this article, I want to tell you that you are not alone. Everyone has issues that they deal with and I want you to find someone that you can confide in. Hear me when I say: keeping your feelings all inside is not worth it. I want you to find a healthy outlet to release those feelings. You are not alone. I have felt worthless. I have felt ashamed. I have felt lost. I have felt unlovable and unworthy. I am here to tell you that you are so worthy. Now, I am still working on reciting this to myself and believing it as well. I know it is hard to believe, but you yourself are worthy and you can have the courage to get help. You are human. You are beautiful. You are more than what you have done in the past. You are worth it.
