Recently, I have done a lot of self-reflecting on myself in the present, who I've been in the past, and who I would like to become in the future. Looking back, I am very fortunate to have rid my present of many, many toxic people who were constantly tearing me down or convincing me that mediocre was OK. People that were selfish. People that would use my strengths to build themselves up or my weaknesses to shove me down so they could look better. I was constantly taken for granted for always offering a hand or advice. I was completely walked over like a door mat. I was the poster child for being a people-pleaser.
Of course, people with this mentality always end up having the last straw break the camels back (or whatever that old saying is). In better terms, I could not be living to make everyone happy when it was holding my own happiness back. For awhile, this mentality was going great. I was for once saying "no" to people I constantly said "yes" to. And I was making decisions based on what I wanted instead of what others wanted, and how I would think others thought about my decisions.
Yet, somewhere between doing anything and everything for anyone that asked, and simply choosing my happiness, I became just as toxic as those people I pushed away in my past. Needless to say, I have so many wonderful people around me. I have people that would sacrifice time, money, effort, and happiness to help me out. I have people that push me to be the best I can be. People that hold me to a higher standard than I could ever hold myself. People that try and show me the light on even the darkest days. Unfortunately, lately, I haven't been this way for them.
Sometimes, you realize you are the toxic person.
Sometimes, you end up realizing you're the negativity in your life that you are trying to push away. Sometimes, you destroy the things around you, including relationships, not realizing that the toxic in your life is built up inside and not with the ones who only want the best for you. Sometimes, you are the problem.
And while, it isn't always easy to figure out or admit you aren't as perfect as you thought (wait, we aren't perfect?), sometimes we have to take a step back and see if we are doing for others as they do for us. No, being toxic is never a good thing, but mistakes are opportunities. And the best way to fix mistakes (and yourself), is to own up to them. Own them, grow from them, and move on. Remember to realize that just because you've made a mistake or have been toxic to the ones you love, it does not make you less worthy. Constantly grow. Constantly check yourself. Constantly love the ones around you.
Once you do better, you will be better.
