I am what the Army calls a Bragg baby. That means that my very first duty station was at Fort Bragg, NC. I called that place home for three very horrible but wonderful years until I got stationed somewhere else. I had many different team leaders but the one who impacted my life the most and that helped shape me into the soldier I was proud to be, referred to me as the “Kraken.” It was basically a really polite way of calling me a raging b*&%h. I cussed more than a sailor and I yelled a lot. Whenever someone would screw up that team leader would call me over and he’d go, “Ottaway, release the kraken” and that would give me permission to yell at whoever was being stupid or it would give me permission to yell and lead and get the task required done.

I once got a coin which is kind of like an award or reward for yelling at a soldier. I lost my voice that time. Now don’t be confused I just yelled a lot. I am not telling you that I think being an angry little demon b-otch is going to get you far in civilian life. I’m actually here to tell you that my life as the angry little army Kraken monster has taken a 180 turn. You should also note that I am not claiming to know how all veterans feel (I am only one veteran among a sea of veterans) and I am not a war hero ( I didn’t deploy. I did my time and I got my golden ticket aka my DD214 that says I am officially a civilian) Some of you might be asking why didn't I deploy and we will get into that at a later date and time. (no, I didn’t get injured or anything just be patient in due time children).

I am here to tell you that becoming a civilian in a sea of college students after being a veteran for half of my 20s is entirely more difficult than I thought it would be. For instance, I can NOT yell at someone who is under me because they did something stupid. Whereas before I'd yell at a kid who was lower on the totem pole than me for not doing what he was told or for not being on time.

As a student…. I can’t exactly yell at a teenager for basically anything. First of all, ain't nobody got time for a teenagers attitude. Sorry I stopped being 18 seven years ago and even if I did have time for the attitude I don’t have the patience. (He called me the Kraken…what part of that screams patience?) So, no more yelling for me which makes me a sad panda but I digress.

Then there is the whole no more cuss words thing. Which if I am honest most people I meet think that they cuss a lot then, they meet me. I am not bragging or showing off they legitimately think that they cuss every other word and then they meet me and they realize they have never met an individual that uses as many profanities in one sentence than I do (I use that S*%t like a comma). I’d like to say I can help it but in all honesty, I cuss and unless you tell me I don’t even know that I said a bad word. I know what a “bad” word is and I know that people don’t like to hear it as much as I say it.

I have gotten a better handle on it in the past couple of months because I really am trying to change for the “better” if that’s what you want to call it... but I ordered a filter for my mouth and in the middle of installing it I lost some of the pieces so the filters not really working…. just kidding. I do in fact have a little bit better control of it like I replace words, for example, my mom hates when I take the lords name in vain so instead of saying “Jesus Christ” I say cheese and rice. She appreciates the effort but one step at a time ya know?

The only other thing that I would say has been the most difficult for this veteran is that I am very used to having battle buddies all around me that know the struggles and triumphs I am going through. I no longer have that support system. Yeah, I have a family they understand the civilian stuff but like most civilians, the ones I talk to don't understand the lingo that I use. Which at this time the only lingo I can think of that they aren’t used to is if I say, “drive on” I feel like most people should know that means keep going.

So, if I go just forget it and drive on…. catch my drift? It means just forget it and keep going. Most civilians don’t understand me or I really don’t understand them or we mutually can’t stand each other. Or when I am talking about a highway, I say the numbers individually like instead of saying one fifty seven I say one five seven or one five nine. My husband and I know what we mean but everyone else laughs at us because they think we sound ridiculous. We clearly don't see the problem.

Anyway luckily for me I have found a few people that I can tolerate or like enough to be around and I have a handful of people I can call a support system. Some of them even let me cuss like the soldier I was groomed to be…I haven’t found any who will let me yell like I use to though (I'm starting to think if I don’t let the Kraken out and feed it that it might die in its cage) but maybe that’s a good thing. I guess only time will tell.

'Til then I'm ok with being the driver of this struggle bus.