Her

"I can't do this anymore

It's the same thing over and over again

I feel it overcome me

It's sucking up my soul

Tearing me apart

I can't barely hear myself think

All I can hear is Her .

It's all her fault

She's the one doing this to me

She is the cause to my pain

She sits there watching--no laughing at me, wanting a reaction out of me

I cry for help but no one hears my name

The tears start pouring down my face

I'm feeling more vulnerable by the second

She's almost in control

And I fight... God I fight so hard but at the end it's all the same

Because she wins.

She always wins

She's in control now

She's reaching out towards those infamous pair of scissors

She stares at me, mimicking me

And starts trying to break free

She's tired of being torn apart in that body

So she lets loose

But she can't

She'll always be stuck and there's nothing she can do about it

She starts blaming herself for everything

She blames herself for everyone leaving

She blames herself for being the shame of the family

She blames herself for not having any beauty

She blames herself for not being perfect

All the memories flash by in a wink

Making it harder to breathe by the second

Lines of red appear on her delicate skin, oh why would she do such a horrid thing?

I slowly start coming out of my shell

I immediately look at her and start crying

How can someone so broken still manage to smile?

I'm frustrated and start yelling

"How could you do this again?! You promised you wouldn't!?!"

I run back into the shell to calm myself down

She takes this opportunity and goes for a second round

She looks at herself

Admiring how beautiful her red eyes look with mascara running down her face

She's never felt so beautiful before

She then grabs the bottle and thinks about the effects

Oh how much happier everyone would be if she was gone

But for the first moment in her life, she starts caring about herself

And she knows by swallowing those pills she will be happy and at peace

Finally.

Before she puts the numerous pills in her mouth

I come out of my shell

I say "No! Has all the work we done mean nothing to you? All the struggles we overcame, all those late night cries, all those people leaving-- those things made us stronger. Don't end something that still has an eternity to be finished. Don't- "

Stunned, not able to finish, I look at her closely

No it cannot be

That girl who's broken

That girl is me."

I first wrote this poem when I was fifteen years old. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of twelve. I never knew what was wrong with me, I was in such a bad place and I had lost myself. I never thought I was good enough to do anything, I hated myself so much.

I was looking through my notes and I came across that poem the other day, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I am just mind blown at how far I have overcome and how much I have changed. Reading that old poem inspired me to take action towards advocating mental illness. We often forget how important our feelings and emotions really are. People do not believe that mental illness is as important as physical illness, which needs to stop. I just cant help but think about all those individuals who did not overcome their mind. It saddens me to think that mental illness is still destroying lives.

Look for the signs, if you know anyone who maybe be in harm from their own self, please speak up. Get them the help they need. We all have far too beautiful souls, and I would hate to seem them beaten up. I wrote this poem recently as a response to my old self. Hopefully this inspires others to share their stories, because we need to let people know that they are not alone.

Repaired

I am now eighteen, and in college

I'm studying music, which helped me through all the demolished memories

I am currently surrounded by all my new friends

Hopefully these moments never end

I'm smiling bright and warm

I'm laughing so hard abs are starting to form

I thank the Lord everyday for placing them into my life

They have opened a new door in my mind

It has been two long years since my last fight

I genuinely believed I was never going to see the light

I was broken, bruised, and ripped apart

I barely felt like I even had a heart

My mind was empty, I had no desire to live

My demons filled up my body, I had no more love to give

Hope was slowly leaving my eyes

All I wanted was to die

Two years later, I'm alive and well

I have broken that shell

I honestly do not know what happened to her

My mind just wants me to forget, so it's all a blur

She will always still be in me

But for the first time in a while, I can finally breathe

She destroyed me, broke me down

I did not realize she was actually me until it was time for me to drown

I destroyed myself, I let the demons take over

But they did not get too far, I'm the owner

I control my own mind and body

I never realized that when my wrists were bloody

I never realized I had the power to stop it all

But I somehow torn down that wall

I'm free, and I'm happy

And those are words I never thought I would ever get the chance to say

I don't know how it happened

But it did

It was a long war

And I never knew I had won until I realized I was a warrior

I can sometimes feel her in my mind

But I know she won't be able to do anything unless I decide to hide

I never thought I would make it this far

But this journey is just beginning, I have to always remember to shine bright like a star

I'm my own hero

I'm my own home

I love myself

And I didn't acknowledge that until I realized I saved myself.