With anxiety crippling almost 20 percent of American adults (according to the National Institute of American Health), talking about how to love someone with anxiety is incredibly important. Here are five tools that I find helpful for my partner, who loves me fully and unconditionally despite my anxiety.

1. Be patient

Anxiety is exhausting. It’s physical, mental, and emotional strain that completely wares me out, no matter where we are or what we’re doing I am experiencing this. Some nights, I don’t want to go to parties and some nights I get really grouchy, but it’s not because I don’t love you or want to do things with you. I love you so much. I just need to take care of myself.

2. Be kind to me

and be kind to yourself, too. I know that loving me is hard some times, and that you use up a lot of your patience when we can’t do the things that you want to do. Please make sure that you are putting effort into keeping your own mental health up to par. It's okay to take time for the things that you like, and they don't always have to include me. I will love you even more for keeping yourself strong.

3. Find other phrases

Don’t just say, “Are you OK? Are you OK?” over and over again, because that only stresses me out more. Other options could be, “I’m right here if you need me”, “Try (insert whatever technique used last time to calm the anxiety)”. “Breathe with me” “This is going to pass, you’re doing so well and you’re going to get through this” “You’re so strong”, etc. oh and

4. Please try to remain calm if I'm having an anxiety attack

Wanna know what’s worse than me having an anxiety attack? Me having an anxiety attack about you having an anxiety attack that I might have triggered with my anxiety attack.

5. Let me worry about you

I cannot stress this enough. I know that you’ve driven three hours to see your parents 50 times now and that the probability of your plane crashing into the ocean is less than one in a million and that you definitely have your phone, wallet, and keys when you left the apartment because I reminded you four times before we locked the door. I know that you’re frustrated with how many times I feed our fish to make sure that they’re not going to die throughout the day and you don’t like that I cook our meat extra-long to ensure the absence of salmonella, but you need to let me do those things. Let me worry about you, because this is how I function. This is my normal. Telling me not to worry is like telling me to re-wire my entire brain, it's like telling me that you don’t love me for who I really am.

I love you so much for loving me for who I am. Thank you for being so understanding and patient with me. Thank you for never letting me forget how strong I am. Thank you for loving me and my anxiety.