Relationships are a struggle. At least to me they are.
Growing up, my parents fought like cats and dogs, there was absolutely zero love shown between the two of them. Now, if you talk to my brother and sister, they'll tell you that they vaguely remember a time when mom and dad were sweet with each other. It breaks my heart to know that I never got to see that. By the time I came around, they should have ended it then and there. Instead they struggled through. For 11 years of my life, I thought that people in long term relationships rarely spoke, saw each other or even interacted unless forced.
When my parent's finally split, I was so happy. Of course, being a child, I didn't actually want to tell my parents that so on the outside, I sat and cried with my sister but on the inside, I was throwing a party. Finally there would be some peace and quite in our house, and the tension would be gone. Maybe now I'd be able to bond with my mom in a way I had never been able to before and maybe now I'd get to spend even more time with my dad.
It was a struggle that never seemed to end however. My mom was absolutely heart broken over the failure of her marriage. She spiraled into, at times, a terrifying depression. As an adult looking back, I can understand why. As a child, I was angry at her for it. From my point of view, neither of them had been happy and now they were free of the chains that bound them, why wasn't she happy? Why couldn't she just let it go and move on? Dad had and I was so happy for him. I just wanted the same for my mom.
It's taken over a decade but she is finally at a place where the hurt doesn't cut her as deep. I hope one day it won't even exist for her at all because there is so much I want to share with her.
My dad eventually re-married and I've never seen him so happy, relaxed or secure. It's an amazing transformation. He holds her hand and hugs her and gives her kisses and tells her he loves her. The best part? She does too.
For me, I'm over the moon and at the same time, slightly frustrated. Sometimes I wish that growing up, I had been given the chance to see my parents interact the way my dad and step mom do. Because the example I had as a child has without a doubt impaired my ability to have relationships now as an adult.
It's not completely their fault, I am by nature someone who doesn't talk very much and is not overly fond of physical contact. So that is already a challenge and I have no idea how to be in a relationship. I just ended a near two year relationship due to a number of factors but a big one being, I knew that what he wanted and needed, I would never be able to provide for him.
He is someone that needs the constant re-asurance of love, to feel loved through more than just being present. He needs those sweet words and cuddles and all that ooey-gooey stuff. I tried, I stepped very far outside my comfort zone, I cuddled and tried to be sweet, to verbalize what I felt for him but always fell short. It wasn't fair to him.
He told me that, it was okay, that he'd be happy with me no matter what but what he didn't realize, was that I recognized the signs. I could see, through the differences, that if we had stayed together, we would have ended up exactly like my parents. One avoiding being home at all costs and the other craving attention until it blew up. I didn't want that and he certainly does not deserve that.
I don't want to have a repeat of my parents relationship, but I'm scared that is what will happen. I refuse to do that to another person. So for now, I am trying to relearn and change everything I previously knew. Every chance I get to go home, I study my dad and stepmom. They don't know it, but they've set the bar high, I just hope to someday be where they are.
