Being in a relationship with mental illness

I'm Sorry I Don't Love Like Normal

Having multiple mental disorders is hard and it is harder when you are in a relationship.

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I had told myself many times after my last relationship that I would not date anyone. It wasn't because I was bitter towards other men but it was because I was scared that my mental disorders would drive a person away. I remember asking myself every night if everything was really my fault and if I was really using my depression as a crutch as my ex had told me. I felt alone and even came near to resorting to suicide because I felt unloved and I felt as if no matter how many relationships I get into no man will ever value me.

Now a year later I'm with a different guy who is completely opposite of my last ex. Although I am thankful for him being in my life I feel guilty because my last relationship along with a series of events that happened in my life had caused me to shape how I view love.

One thing I am grateful for is the fact that my boyfriend I'm with now is very patient. Growing up I felt like I was never given a lot of patience and even within previous relationships I was never given that quality. I use to regret the way I felt and also the way I had acted because of my mental illnesses. On top of that if I ever expressed any concern I would be viewed as the bad guy just because I could not help but tell my ex the actual truth about how I feel.

I admit it is weird being with a man who actually listens to me and is always very supportive of most of my decisions and choices. I always ask myself every day what did I do to even deserve a person like my boyfriend. At the same time, I feel bad because I don't love the same as he does.

While my boyfriend tells me he loves me and expresses how he feels I tend to be more closed and reserved when it comes to my emotions. There will be times when I will say "I love you" but it is not as much as a normal couple would say it. Although my relationship is pretty new and my boyfriend is very patient, my biggest fear is that he would leave after we go through that stage in a relationship where I tend to act like a jerk when I am feeling angry at him.

Because of my unspecified personality disorder, I tend to express emotions that are very intense and I realize over the years that it is hard for me to be just "mad" at something. I either do not care or I get really angry and there is no in between. I am also a person who does not sugarcoat anything so if I do decide to express concerns about something I tend to do it in a way that most of my exes hate.

What I hope to get out of this relationship is learning how to love again and how to heal in a healthy way. If there is anything I want it is to be the best girlfriend my boyfriend ever had. Every day is always a challenge but I would never change anything about us.

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won't see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won't laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won't go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They'll miss you. They'll cry.

You won't fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won't get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won't be there to wipe away your mother's tears when she finds out that you're gone.

You won't be able to hug the ones that love you while they're waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won't be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won't find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won't celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won't turn another year older.

You will never see the places you've always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You'll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it's not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don't let today be the end.

You don't have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It's not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I'm sure you're no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won't do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you'll be fine." Because when they aren't, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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Top Lang Leav Quotes For The Girl In Love

"Who you love and who loves you back determines so much in your life."

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One of my favorite modern poets is Lang Leav because she captures love and loss in a way that's both easy to read but also powerful. Some of her poems seem simple, but they hold such deep meaning when it comes to love, heartbreak and finding yourself. I'm not going to lie to ya'll, some of her heartbreak poems hit pretty hard. But, this isn't about heartbreak, this is about the beautiful feeling we call love.

Here are some of my favorite quotes by Lang Leav about love:

"It's so dark right now, I can't see any light around me.

That's because the light is coming from you. You can't see it but everyone else can."
Love & Misadventure

"You were you,
and I was I;
we were two
before our time.

I was yours
before I knew,
and you have always
been mine too."
Love & Misadventure

"I had my first dream about you last night.
Really? She smiles. What was it about?
I don't remember exactly but the whole time I was dreaming, I knew you were mine."
Love & Misadventure

"I love you, I do -
you have my word.


You have all my words."
Lullabies

"Souls do not have calendars or clocks, nor do they understand the notion of time or distance. They only know it feels right to be with one another."
Love & Misadventure

"It was a quiet love, a tacit love. It came without prelude or preamble. We never said the word love–we didn't have to. It was in our laughter, in the sense of wonder we found in each other. And if we had doubts then, time has told us otherwise."
The Universe of Us

"How much love is a person capable of giving? I thought I knew the answer until I met you."
Sea of Strangers

"When love finds you, it doesn't come as crashing waves or thunderbolts. It appears as a song on the radio or a particular blue in the sky. It dawns on you slowly, like a warm winter sunrise—where the promise of summer shines out from within."
Memories

Be still, my heart.

Whether you're falling in love or already madly in love, these quotes are sure to hit your heartstrings. Not to mention, they make pretty good Instagram captions for all your sappy love pictures!

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