I had told myself many times after my last relationship that I would not date anyone. It wasn't because I was bitter towards other men but it was because I was scared that my mental disorders would drive a person away. I remember asking myself every night if everything was really my fault and if I was really using my depression as a crutch as my ex had told me. I felt alone and even came near to resorting to suicide because I felt unloved and I felt as if no matter how many relationships I get into no man will ever value me.

Now a year later I'm with a different guy who is completely opposite of my last ex. Although I am thankful for him being in my life I feel guilty because my last relationship along with a series of events that happened in my life had caused me to shape how I view love.

One thing I am grateful for is the fact that my boyfriend I'm with now is very patient. Growing up I felt like I was never given a lot of patience and even within previous relationships I was never given that quality. I use to regret the way I felt and also the way I had acted because of my mental illnesses. On top of that if I ever expressed any concern I would be viewed as the bad guy just because I could not help but tell my ex the actual truth about how I feel.

I admit it is weird being with a man who actually listens to me and is always very supportive of most of my decisions and choices. I always ask myself every day what did I do to even deserve a person like my boyfriend. At the same time, I feel bad because I don't love the same as he does.

While my boyfriend tells me he loves me and expresses how he feels I tend to be more closed and reserved when it comes to my emotions. There will be times when I will say "I love you" but it is not as much as a normal couple would say it. Although my relationship is pretty new and my boyfriend is very patient, my biggest fear is that he would leave after we go through that stage in a relationship where I tend to act like a jerk when I am feeling angry at him.

Because of my unspecified personality disorder, I tend to express emotions that are very intense and I realize over the years that it is hard for me to be just "mad" at something. I either do not care or I get really angry and there is no in between. I am also a person who does not sugarcoat anything so if I do decide to express concerns about something I tend to do it in a way that most of my exes hate.

What I hope to get out of this relationship is learning how to love again and how to heal in a healthy way. If there is anything I want it is to be the best girlfriend my boyfriend ever had. Every day is always a challenge but I would never change anything about us.