The beginning of 2017 was when I happened to hit rock bottom. I was at my very lowest, and it hit me like a deer in the headlights all while I ignored the sound of the car coming.

And just like that, my genuine happiness faded, my bubbly personality dissipated. I couldn’t see myself being a success. I let my overthinking get the best of me. Worst of all, I could no longer see my life one year from now.

I believed I always said the wrong thing even if it was a simple hello. I wanted to stand out and feel special but I just felt camouflaged. Yet, at the same time, I felt like an outcast, different, and horribly noticeable. I felt life cheated me out of love, or that everyone was receiving it, finding that someone who equally makes their soul alive. That I will and always love more than I get back. I dissected every inch of me and my life until nothing was left but crumbs of myself. Where did I go? I felt I lost everything.

But of all the things lost, I missed my mind the most.

I thought the grass was greener on the other side

There were a lot of things in life I felt I lacked where I thought my happiness laid. There were my insecurities that I had let diminish me, there were my weaknesses that I let define me. Fear that I let walk beside me. It was my overthinking that turned roads into dead ends. My anxiety that made me a prisoner to my thoughts. If I could just have her life, if I could change this one thing about me, if I was smarter at this or talented with that, if only I could do this or go there, if only he liked me, if only who I was - everything that made me, me - if only that was different. If I could reach that greener side, I would be happy. Instead of loving myself I was killing myself. Because everything is greener on the other side isn't it? And that thinking is dangerous because a comparison is the thief of your joy, the murderer of your happiness, and the kiss of a misery life.

Yet, whenever I do get there, to my "greener side" I still think the grass is greener on the other side. Like my greener side is and always will be unreachable.

What I thought were the keys to my happiness, were mere illusions.

With 2017, The only time I didn’t feel overwhelmed was when I was sleeping. So, I did a lot of it because in that moment I don’t have to feel. I can get a pause from being…me. So, everything can stop, all my thinking and worrying. When it came to school, I couldn’t focus or pay attention in my classes. Completing assignments was a battle. I was at a point where I didn’t know why I was going to college. I came into my first year thinking I would go through these obstacles to become a doctor. Long story short, I realized later on that medicine was not a passion of mine or a career I saw myself in. So, what am I doing with my life? I didn’t know what I was doing with my life. I couldn’t envision my future anymore. It seemed everyone had their life together and I felt I needed my entire life figured out, at that very moment. And I didn’t.

Once I saw myself going nowhere, I led myself 100x closer to just that.

There were things I wanted and expected at this point in my life that didn’t happen. I felt I had no control over my life. I felt overwhelmed by everything and one task seemed exhausting. I had no motivation to even begin anything that once brought me joy. I laid in my bed trying to fall asleep to get away from my head, my thoughts, wishing there was an off switch. I was empty and overwhelmed to do anything yet I would give myself anxiety because I would think how lazy I look and am being. I’d feel guilty yet couldn’t do anything. I criticized, hated, and loathed myself. I didn't think life was for me. I believed I failed at it. My head was operating faster than I could handle and that exhausts me. I lived in the future and past rather than in the now. And whenever I happened to reach a part of my so-called "greener side" I never felt happy. I was still miserable. My worries were being felt as if it was magnified 100x. My perception of happiness has never been more off. But you need to realize, nobody has life together. And that's when I knew,

Things are never greener on the other side. The greener side is the side you're on. You just need to water it.

"You don't have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you're holding." - Cheryl Strayed

But, it takes going through your worst to understand this, to allow yourself to understand that the key to happiness resides in yourself, in your mind. That it does not reside anywhere outside yourself. It can be made by creating happiness with what you have. Learning to love and accept all that is you. And yet, I would have only discovered this by getting knocked down, letting the world step on me, welcoming the chaos of my mind, wallowing in the horrors of life. And for that, I am grateful and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Then something crossed my mind...and I want it to cross yours too,

Think of the galaxy. Filled with twinkling stars so far away that the light you see is from a star that died billions of years ago. How crazy is that? The galaxy is so massive, so infinite, so far, that the light shown is from a dead star billions of years ago, traveling for billions of years, way past the stars life, and reached our view. The speed of light is 186,000 mi/sec. That's how fast the light is traveling and it took billions of years for it to even reach our eyes. Now think of the earth compared to the galaxy. The world we live in is almost non-existent compared to the galaxy. Moving at the speed of light, traveling the circumference of the earth would take roughly 7.5 times in one second. Traveling the Earth's circumference by plane at 565 m.p.h. would take roughly 45 hours to do. Traveling by plane to reach a star the light came from…it takes a spacecraft 75,000 years to reach the nearest star. So, much longer than 75,000 years. I can't fathom enough how large life outside of ours is. Now think of you compared to the galaxy. You're barely a speck. And your worries? There not even existent. And yet we sit here worrying ourselves to insanity thinking it truly is the end of our life if we fail an assignment, an exam, an interview. Say the wrong thing, look the wrong way, do the wrong thing. We are letting non-existent matters make living seem like an unavoidable battle.

So, while thinking success was unreachable, believing happiness was out of sight, feeling my worth go down the drain, guessing love was unattainable even, and assuming not having my life together was the end of the world, I knew something needed to change. I needed to change. These were problems that only existed in my head. That my perception needed correcting. That all I needed to understand was “everything is going to be okay.” I really just needed to work on being more of a friend to myself rather than my own biggest critic. To accept myself, realize that I am enough and live in the now. To stop fearing what the future holds. To embrace each day as it comes one at a time. To quit carrying myself with arms of "what ifs" deriving from fear and just do.

This young part of life is all about making mistakes, going a little insane, and being unsure.

It's about letting yourself fall down 100 times but getting back up 101 times, growing and getting stronger, learning from the depths of your scars, experiencing as much as you can, dipping your toes in opportunities, getting to know yourself, and it's the start of finding yourself.

I am able to say thank you for the times I fall to my knees. Because as tough as things can be, they happen to bring me closer to who I want to be. Falling apart made me stronger. Things sometimes need to get ugly to get beautiful. It’s these ruts where we understand and know ourselves better, know what we want, welcome spontaneity, and accept those punches, determined to come out on top. My advice for you is welcome the good, the bad, and the in between. Failure is going to happen but let it make you stronger. You will be in many wars with yourself, believing you won't amount to anything, but let that inspire, transform, and build you. Mistakes might as well be a chemical built into our chemistry because you will make many of them, but let them be the hand that guides you to your goal. You will fear but let that remind you that fear is a state of mind, that your choice to be fearful means you have a choice to be fearless. Let yourself get beat, vulnerable, lost because that's when you transform so do it as many times as you need to be free. Use your downfalls as stepping stones to rise above. Life isn't against you. The universe wants you happy but it also wants to make you stronger. It wants you to be yourself. It wants you to accept the beautiful creature that you are.

You are stronger than your weaknesses, you are capable of making mountains move, and carry a love so strong you could make a new star in the galaxy. So why not give some of that love to yourself? Remember who you are and change the game. Stop caring about careless things and embrace the inevitable roller-coaster of life. Start loving yourself more because that's the greatest middle finger of all time.

Make your happiness a priority.