I had a very out-of-the-blue conversation with my boyfriend the other night. It wasn’t really of extreme importance, but something that both of us just blurted out. I put on his long shorts and I looked horrible, of course, so I was joking around saying these were my calling and I have been missing out on good style all these years. “I’m going to start wearing these,” I told him. He laughed at me and replied, “Please, please don’t,” and I told him I could never wear such a thing, it’s not attractive. Brayden told me that it’s not like I have to impress him or anything. I kept saying uh yes, yes I do and we did the whole “Why?" "Because." "But why?" "Well, because!" for a while before I blurted out, “Because you could dump me at a moments notice!”

Because you could dump me at a moments notice--Horrible.

Backstory, I love this man. I am dating my best friend and we would both know if the end was coming. Would it be based off a pair of really ugly baggy shorts that looked bad on me? No. So why did I blurt that out?

Brayden then looked at me and asked, “Does that ever hit you? That we could be over in a second because one of us decides we are over it and done? Because it scares me, all the damn time.”

My love said that to me, thinks that I may want to just end it one day and it scares him every day. It scares me too.

I asked him how he could think such a thing and can’t he tell that I am way too needy to let him go. His reply, “Because it’s happened, because I have relationship PTSD.”

I use this phrase “PTSD” very loosely; over bad smoothies--PTSD, car accidents--PTSD, uncomfortable shoes--PTSD. But this is the first time I didn’t take it lightly at all.

I was dumped because of my health once. Also for asking for respect from him because I felt he wasn’t treating me right. My relationship PTSD from this--the instant I begin to have feelings whether it be friendships or a relationship--my first instinct is to just push away because I don’t want to experience that kind of hurt again for something I cannot control. I don’t ask for anything in relationships anymore because I don’t want to be left. One person. One person did that to me. And it’s something I have to explain to every important person in my life and I have to work through it if I want people to be a part of my life.

I won’t dive into Brayden’s because that is our business only, but it’s enough PTSD for us to talk about it on a regular basis. From time to time, something happens that brings those feelings up for him. I don’t ever get mad, I will never be mad at someone for feeling a certain way based off past experiences. Do I get frustrated? Oh heck yeah, because someone left a scar on him and I can't do much about it.

How much do we let relationship PTSD get to us?

I am in the healthiest relationship that I have ever been in. Yet on a daily basis, in the back of my head, I’m terrified he will leave me. And from what Brayden shared with me, it terrifies him as well. But we are so in love and we are so vocal with our feelings, how does the PTSD still affect us? Do we ever get to get rid of the relationship PTSD?

I’m choosing not to be paralyzed by the fear but thrive in it. I no longer think, "I don’t look good, he may think I'm a hot mess and leave me." No, instead I get excited to get dressed up for him here and there, so he can look at me and fall in love with me all over again. I ask him constantly what he wants instead of my own needs and in return I get to learn so much more about him and he does the same to me. With this, I get to take part in the things that he loves and watch him get joyful over it. I’m not going to ignore the pain I once went through and pretend I’ve got it all together.

I have relationship PTSD from being left due to my poor health and asking for respect--I will not let this take over my relationship.