In many ways I fit the typical transgender narrative. I have told the “I always knew I was a girl” story so many times and in so many ways that, to some, I have come to embody this narrative. I felt like the only way I could change was to be confident in who I was, and prove my "transness" by exemplifying that I could be seen as a beautiful, feminine, heterosexual female. I wore a full face of makeup wherever I went, dressed in high heels and colorful dresses, and contoured my chest to look larger.

As I look back on my "transition," I remember a great focus was placed my physical appearance and the aesthetics of my body. I have had countless interactions with my doctor obsessing over my breast size and asking me questions about how tall or curvy I wanted to be. Questions about my body seemed to be focused less on how I felt and more on how people, particularly men and boys, perceived me. I was shown pictures of transgender models and beauty queens and was told that I too could be as beautiful and feminine as they were. At the time, I was led to believe that the only way I could be happy was if I fit feminine gender expectations and was beautiful. This is an incredibly damaging thing to tell a 13-year-old.

Most people seem to think that "transitioning" means going from one end of the binary to the other, fitting all gender roles associated with their "new" gender. I feel that in many cases, gender just isn’t a real thing. Why are there these gender characteristics if people just don’t fit into them? Is it our vocabulary that needs to be changed or the entire concept of gender itself? If we lived in a world without gender norms and expectations, would I have still felt compelled to transition?

All of these questions I am unable to answer, at least for the time being. Without having a true grasp on what gender really is, how can I possibly feel confident and secure in the words I use to talk about my own gender? At the end of the day, my gender is whatever I want it to be and the constructs of society do not get to dictate who I am. It can be hard to separate your true self from who society wants you to be, but if you can learn to embrace yourself for who you are then the other voices won't matter.