Whenever I sit down and reflect on my personal experiences and internal characteristics, I always come back with two extremes. Sometimes I am incredibly sensitive, passionate and fragile with all that I say and do. In contrast I can also be aggressive, inconsiderate and sometimes pretty numb to the world around me. I wonder how I can be two totally different things within the same person. I recently came to the conclusion that I do not like the soft side of me and instead of toughening up I overcompensate by acting a bit too harsh.
I like to refer back to the lyric from the song "Scars" by Papa Roach. Papa belts out, "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much". I always felt as though this described myself perfectly. While caring is an admirable trait to have, I believe I personally surpass the normal limit and take it into an unhealthy level. I not only care about my loved ones and important things in my life, but unnecessary things such as whether someone likes me or what people think of me. Even in my relationships I take things to an abnormal extent. I sometimes suffocate people or act irrational when I feel as though things aren't right. This is my first instance of overcompensating with what I like to call my dark side.
I am infamous for burning bridges. There are very few relationships in my life that haven't ended in an over dramatic fire-y explosion at least a couple time. Some were saved, some not so much. While some people in my life tell me I just haven't had the best record of friendships, I can't help to think that on some level it's also me. While this may sound dark and pessimistic, I am a firm believer in the fine line between love and hate. I believe sometimes when I am hurt I struggle to find the balance and my love is too much for me to control. I have said horrible things when I am hurt. Only someone who cares so deeply can be hurt at the extent that I have.
Sometimes I just go too far and either let people walk over me or do entirely too much for undeserving people. I have a problem saying no. I hate leaving people hanging or knowing that there is something I could do to put them in a better situation. I also go above and beyond for people who frankly don't deserve my time at all. I absolutely love cheering people up and knowing I genuinely made a difference. I will admit this is a good quality but once again I struggle to find the balance between simply doing good and being a good person versus doing entirely too much.
I will never let anyone dull my sparkle. Though I may act out sometimes, I always find my way back to the loving person that I truly am. I am not ashamed that I sometimes take things to heart and am too emotional. I am a work in progress and I know that everyday I find that balance a little more. I am flawed but I love my flaws. One thing I can say is it is never boring with me.
