What is gratitude exactly? It is defined as “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” A good start but in my most humble opinion — unfinished. I think in order to understand gratitude, we have to incorporate a bit of metaphysics.
An idea from metaphysics is that everything is relative; something cannot exist without its opposite. Light does not exist without dark, hot without cold, matter without space, because things are understood through knowing what they are not. A way to understand this is to think of a gif of a Newton's Cradle. Theoretically, the video could be playing in reverse without any visual difference; therefore, we cannot know for certain the direction of time in this clip. Without definitively knowing both forward and reverse, neither can be known. All things need their opposites to exist.
I think this is the key to defining gratitude. It's feeling emotions of happiness and thankfulness through the understanding of what they are not. Without sadness, there would be no need or value in happiness, it would be all that we have ever known. Through contrast, we understand and are able to experience.
By unifying these opposites, we experience gratitude. It is when you're outside on the first warm day after a very cold winter and the warmth lifts your spirits. It's hugging your best friend after you haven't seen them in months. It's almost effortless to take extra joy out of something in which we've been enduring it's opposite. The harshness of winter is fresh in our memories, so the warmth of spring is welcomed. We can still feel the sadness of missing our best friend, so the delight in seeing them is amplified. Whenever we feel happiness after being deprived of something, we can feel it more profoundly — I think this is gratitude in its purest form.
But gratitude can become a problem when it is used as a tool to invalidate pain, such as when we are reminded to feel grateful when something is wrong. For instance, the complaint of being overworked and underpaid responded with, “At least you have a job. In this economy, you're very lucky and you should be grateful.” While that may be true, it also true that you are stressed out and overworked. Those feelings are valid and when we call someone to feel gratitude instead of negativity it can degrade real pain that has every right to exist. “It could always be worse” is shaming disguised as gratitude.
While it may sometimes work as an antidote for sadness, it is okay if it doesn't. In fact, it can be harmful when used as a way to put negativity in perspective. Suffering is a universal experience that we all face to varying degrees. Not all pain is equal but all pain is painful. A common expectation is that our feelings must be extreme in order for them to have legitimacy, but we are always in the process of having very real feelings. Emotions are valid and we should allow ourselves and others to experience the negative ones without forcing gratitude.
This is why I think we need to change how we focus gratitude as a tool to enhance our happiness rather than an attempt to remedy our sadness. Happiness and sadness are necessary ebbs and flows, so we should squeeze the most out of the happiness we experience. Practicing gratitude in times of contentment means multiplying positive emotions, allowing you to feel them profoundly.
It's easy to feel thankful for that warm spring day after a cold, long winter; the trick is to be thankful in the middle of August after many days of beautiful weather. It's being aware of when we are feeling good and attempting to also feel gratitude in those moments. It's taking a second to revel in the happiness and laughter when with friends, or tasting every bite of an amazing meal. Finding reasons to be thankful keeps us in tune with the present moment and if that present moment is already happiness then we allow ourselves to feel that precious emotion to the fullest extent.
